Date: Nov. 05, 2002 Time: 1:42 AM My current mood is: Eh? First, can anyone tell me if my diary is working right? My therapist said that it's not working for her, more specifically I think it's the "Past" page that isn't. It works for me, maybe it's browser specific? So yes, I had a therapy appt. today. She suggested I go to day treatment for my depression and gave me 2 places to look at. That's weird, I didn't know they had that for depression? Maybe cause she's wanted me to go to day treatment for eating disorders, I just kind of assumed that's the only kind there is. She said since I'm dropping out of school, it shows how bad my depression is and that now is a good oppertunity to do it. It's a 1-3 week program, sort of like inbetween inpatient and outpatient, since it's like 6 hours a day 5 days a week I think, or something to that effect. I don't know how that would work though, I mean if I go for 2 weeks then what? Is that really going to change anything? It could be interesting though. I really don't know about telling my dad, I'd probably hide it. I don't think I'd even want to tell anyone at all. I just can't stand the fact of anyone thinking I'm weak...I'm strong and I don't need anyone or anything at all! Hmm, ya right. Anyway, so I'll have to think this over. I don't know if my insurence would cover it, I'll have to figure that out and cost. I called my school and they're sending me a form I have to fill out to drop my courses. After my initial "I have no future I want to die" thoughts of last week, I'm more calm now and actually feel less stressed out knowing that I don't have to deal with school/tests/class/etc. People keep saying not to drop out, or just take a semester off and go back. I think it's a fairly logical decision to not go back until I have my head on straight. This could be never, it could be a year, I have no idea. Pretty much I think I'd need to find a medication that actually works. Sure I was still screwy when I was on the Zoloft, but it helped a LOT, I could actually function which is the most important thing. Yes I know some people are all anti-"happy pills", but eh, I could go on a whole rant about that. Tonight I went to Hilary and Mike's. I almost didn't go cause I didn't feel well, I took lax and boy let me tell ya, I don't know WHY I took them, considering I have internal hemmhroids. Shutup, you know you love hearing about them. Ok, I promise from now on I'll only take the recommended dosagee, and at the lowest amount, just to get things moving. So anyway we watched Rosemary's Baby and listened to the Red Elvises(sp?). I smiled weakly as Hilary talked about Siberia and Hawian parties, and realized here I am again feeling like a fucking old person. She seemed so...filled with life (as much as a sarcastic goth can be lol). When was the last time I didn't feel like the walking dead? I wish I had energy, I'm 23 yet I feel like I'm 80. Always so tired, always fucking tired. No matter how long I nap or lie down, it's never enough, I'm always drained. I sat there thinking about this, suddenly wishing I eat normal and didn't have this ED. It reminded me of today in therapy, when I said truthfully I can't remember the last time I had fun, and I can't even tell anymore if I am because I'm so used to faking it even I don't know. I mean I know when things are fun, or like I know in theory what is fun. I know when to smile or laugh at appropriate moments. It made me realize how empty my life is, how absolutly lifeless I've become, my only interest in eating and puking, or losing weight. Is this because I've lost myself because of my ED? Or it's just that my ED is all that I have left to do with myself? Either way, I'm not thin enough to get better so I just need to shut the fuck up. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: