Date: Sept. 10, 2002 Time: 2:00 AM My current mood is: The Story of My ED Part 5: Fall From Grace Body image-wise, even though I was at the highest weight I had ever been, I was the most content with my body then I ever have. I loved my newly size D chest, my curvy new figure. I considered myself sexy and womanly. I was truely ok, and never once even considered going back to starving myself or losing weight. I had started working at the animal hospital. Two weeks into it was the Halloween party, in which would become the talk of the hospital for months. Ummm ya, kinda had to much to drink there(I was underage but they didn't mind). Kinda ended up grinding on the dance floor with one of the docters, then later making out in his car and then going home with him. We didn't sleep together, but that was an insignificant detail in the gossip that surrounded us the next day. Anyway. The one who started most of the rumors was this guy Josh. Sexist, predjudice, homophobic, basicly just an all around asshole, always opening his mouth when he shouldn't. He was pissed I hadn't gone home with him like he had planned, and consiquently spread the rumors. At first he was nice, but then slowely started his comments, how he liked my body, that I was shaped like a "real woman", always coming up behind me rubbing my shoulders and making me feel uncomfortable. Then finally one day he started play fighting with me, and with a flash of an evil smile and knowing look, he grabbed my chest. In shock I immediatly pushed his hand away, and he left. I was in shock, I felt violated...did he just do that? No I just imagined it...maybe it was by accident...but I knew that he stared me right in the eye, he KNEW, he did it on purpose. Scared about what to do(I'd been molested at a past job), I asked some of the girls I worked with. Enraged, they yelled about what a fucking asshole he is, and about how they had complained about him being too physical before and nothing had been done. I told the people in charge, and was then yelled at and told it was MY fault! I was creating hostility in the work environment I was told, I should just make up with him and get over it. I didnt want to make up with him, I wasn't comfortable working with him. They yelled at me more, told me to stop creating unrest, and I quote "we just want to sweep this under the rug, ok?". Meeting after meeting was held, as I wasn't the only one, there were 2 other girls and eventually a third who also complained about him, yet we were blamed. I started falling into a deep depression again. My work environment was becoming increasingly intolerable. I slowely noticed that I seemed to eat more then everyone else on my lunch break. Why was I always hungry? I just couldn't get full it seemed. Also at this time, I missed my period. This was pretty standard, as my periods are naturally fucked up. A second month went by. I started getting nervous. Jim and I had taken to having unprotected sex using the pull out method. I took a pregnency test. It was positive. I decided the only option was to have an abortion, there was no way I could have this kid. My dad would kick me out I knew, I was planning on going back to college the next year, and Jim still lived at home. And I knew I didn't love Jim. There is no point in getting into detail, but I had the abortion. To this very day, the nurse's words "2 months 4 days" still ring in my head on occasion. Jim was great, he was there for me, he went with me, and afterwards he bought me McDonalds and I stayed at his house for the rest of the day. In the time that I suspected that I was pregnent, I started realizing I was fat. I became aware that I "looked pregnent" because I was so fat, even though logically I wasn't far enough along to be showing. I had grown to like my curves before, but now I became aware that I was Fat As Fuck as I suck deeper and deeper into my depression. Not only fat, but I was grotesquely, hidiously, disgustingly fat, I was sure of it. I remember being at a work function/party of Jim's, as I waited in the bathroom in line, I looked in the mirror and with horror I realized...I'm overweight, I'm a "big girl". The phrase "big girl" kept ringing through my head, and went back to Jim and upsettingly told him of my grossness. I just couldn't get over that I looked "so fat that I look pregnent". Obviously a subconcious metaphorical mindset, since I WAS pregnent, though I didn't realize the symbolism of it at the time. The feeling was slowely increasing. I had now quit the animal hospital, after having the abortion I knew I just couldn't deal with them anymore, I hated all the supervisors and their were so many illegal and unhealthy things going on there, me and some others all quit. As I drove away, from my last day there, I knew it was the end of a chapter. It was a very strong feeling, this feeling that now things were going to be different and never the same again. And I was right, I haven't been the same since. To Be Continued.... Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: