Date: Sept. 06, 2002 Time: 12:13 AM My current mood is: Random things that have been on my mind today Today as I was watching reruns of 90210, they showed this girl that was supposed to be all zooming on speed, she acted so convincingly that it made me crave my Xenadrine! So at commercial I immediatly went online an order 2 bottles of it. It's expensive stuff, but worth it to me. It really does help me lose weight, I only have to take 2 pills a day for it to help, and it makes me feel all hyper and shaky(legal drugs, fun fun). Today I stayed in my pajamas all day, I didn't get dressed at all. Sometimes you just gotta do that you know? Hehe. Oh and also I got visited by Jehovah's Witnesses! That was a lot of fun, especially since I've increased my anti-depressants by double the dose, everything was so funny. I explained the capabilities of genetics(umm they were asking why cats didn't have baby dogs..), how the sun spins on it's axis as it makes rotations around the sun(they didn't know?), and the laws of gravity. My only regret was that I was not wearing my "Say you love Satan" shirt. If I wasn't in my pajamas I would have invited them in too. Maybe next time! YES I'm listening to Tesla right now! So I didn't end up calling my aunt and grandfather today like I promised myself I would. I really need to, they've invited me over for Saturday, I can't just go, we need to talk this out and have the blow up now, not then. I'm just so scared too, why am I being such a pussy? Seriously. I was thinking about it last night, and I came to the conclusion that I don't act as emotionally hard-ass as I use to, since I've been writing in here instead of cutting and going to my therapist. It's the whole "getting in touch with your emotions" thing. See my whole life, I've never expressed how I felt, if something upset me I would tell myself to shut the fuck up and push it deep down inside and ignore it. That was my thing... something bothering me, shove it deep inside and ignore. And it worked, for awhile. Till the nasty side effect of cutting started happening. And I really think that's the reason I started cutting, a biproduct of stuffing everthing away. Now that I actually deal with my emotions, they surge through me wildly and even the most minute stress makes me freak out, I'm not used to allowing myself to feel/deal with things. The thought that I am trapped, that I HAVE to eventually give in and have my aunt and grandfather scream at me and berate me, tell me how much of a horrible person I am, internally I just can't handle it. It's so much easier to take all the horrible emotions and just turn it onto myself, then to actually deal with them. Blah. I really really need to lose weight quickly, since I'm not allowing myself to go to the docter till I'm 97lbs, yet my appt. with my psych is in a week and a half and he will need my blood level report! I'm really cutting it close. I wish I could just shutup and go, he needs to make sure my liver is doing ok cause of the medication(can cause liver problems), but god I just can't. Infact I really need to do my aerobics right now, but geez I have to get up for class at 7am, can you believe that shit??? I'm definitly going to try to get that class changed to a different time, it's Writing Workshop 2 so there are tons of classes of it at different times, I should be able to. The other day as I opened a new pickle jar, my dad said in a mocking tone "SEE, your arm isn't hurt, or else you wouldn't be able to open that." Fucking asshole, does he realize my shoulder hurts me 100% of the time?? ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I have limited movement/ability, I can't even put my hand on my hip for more then a 10 seconds, because it hurts too much to have my shoulder that *high*. I could open the pickle jar because by now, I've learned how to do things like that in different ways, such as even though it looks like I'm using my arm, I'm actually resting my arm against my body and using my body to turn the cover. It just pisses me off that he doesn't believe me. This injury severely affects me, and people just laugh at me and think I'm making it up. I'm not trying to get sympathy here, it just insults me for someone to say shit like that to me, when I have to go through a lot of pain pretty much all of the time. Have some fucking respect is all I ask. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: