Date: Jul. 13, 2002 Time: 2:24 AM My current mood is: "Strange little girl, where are you going?"- Tori Amos I'm feeling pretty down right now. Basicly about the whole....you know, the health problem issues/docter visit. This week as a whole has been really hardcore lame, first with being confronted by Katie and Julie for 2 hours straight, then all this blood coming out of me. When all you've been hearing all week is that you're going to die, it gets a bit...grating on the self. I just don't know what alternatives I have. I know that sounds stupid, but I don't know, it's hard to explain. I have this incredible urge to eat a large meal, and I hate knowing I can't, or at least can't without throwing it up after. Not even mentally can't, but physically would be hell for me, I can't digest food very well. My dad just called earlier, and I felt so much worse, I don't know why. I just felt like I don't want him to come back, he's coming home Sunday night. Only till then to have prescious time to myself. *sigh* I feel like life is kicking the shit out of me, and I happen to be throwing a few punches in at myself along with it. I can't even talk to my good friends about what's going on with my health and how I might be hospitalized, I don't want them to worry, aside from the fact that I'm not speaking to them(Julie and Katie). I feel so incredibly alone because of this, knowing my whole life as I know it is in jeopardy right now, and I have no one to turn to. Tomorrow Tammy and I are going to an Eating Disorder group lecture thingy. It will probably be cheesy, it's for people with EDs and someone goes up and talks about how they got better and how wonderful it is and how we can do it cause we are so darn special. I shouldn't be sarcastic about it though, I'm the one that suggested going. I think I'm going to call in sick to work, I feel so awful about that because I've been calling in so much. The other day I did cause of the blood, then today I called in and said I was bleeding internally...Tina's(supervisor) response was "Oh, ok! Hey you know, I think I like, have an ear infection!" Umm...ok go back to your planet now Tina lol. I can't handle work, can't handle school, ufff I'm a total fucking loser who doesn't deserve to exist! I don't know, I was thinking what if I just said called my work and said look, I'm having medical problems, can I just take a week off? But I'd feel like such an idiot, they have every right to fire me. I'm so tired, but man I really want to eat, I know if I do I will throw it up though. *sigh* Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: