Date: Jul. 12, 2002
Time: 2:40 PM
My current mood is:
Update on my ass
I actually made an appointment for the docter today, and WENT! Ya, I can't believe it myself. I was so scared I was shaking the whole visit. It was the same guy I saw about 6 months ago, when my psych. made me go. So thankfully he already knew about me throwing up, even though I had to still talk about it it's easier when the person already knows. He wasn't very happy at the situation. I felt so bad, he said "I thought you said last time you had the bulimia under control?" Oops, did I lie? He was also very concerned that I had dropped 20lbs since my last visit. I didn't think it's that big of a deal, I mean 20lbs in 6 months...I've lost 30lbs in 2 months before. Also, he happened to see me at a high weight for once, more often then not I'm 100lbs or under. So he did the dreaded finger raping....ewwww! It reaffermed my belief that I will NEVER have anal sex. He concluded that yes, there is blood in me. Duh. He also said that it's not a hemoroid or whatever else you can get when it's..you know, further down. So this means I'm bleeding more internally. Wonderful. He had me make an appointment with a...umm....don't even know what the name is, some long name for that type of docter. He also wants me to come back in a week, which I'm not sure if I want to do, he's trying to trap me!! Let me explain: He was very concerned, and said that I am very close to being in the hospital. He then said that the hospital is "option number 2".....WHAT???? Whoaaaaaaaaa hold on there! I don't know about that one. He was saying I'm sick, kept talking about the weight I lost, my "disease", how 10% of people die from it(damn I've heard that a lot this week), etc. He was asking me if I throw up everything I eat, which I answered mostly everything. So you see, him wanting me to come back, he's going to try to start weighing me each week, I can tell, he wants to keep me coming to him so he can put me in the hospital. I'm not stupid though, I'm almost 23 meaning I don't have to go if I don't want to. He could technicly force me to go, which is why I could just stop seeing him before he has the chance too. He seemed pretty serious about the hospital bit. He was very serious about me going back to my psych. One thing that pissed me off though, was that when the nurse took my blood pressure it was 120/80, goddamnit!!! "Perfect!" she said. No, not perfect. Or rather, TOO perfect. That means I've been eating too much, if I was starving myself properly it would be low. But it wasn't, and now I hate myself even more :( They took my blood too, to see how much blood I lost and probably the fun stuff they check for if you have an eating disorder(iron, potassium, etc.) So I dunno, that's about it, my whatever it's called appointment is going to be ROUGH, he showed me this big camera tube they stick up your ass to see into your intestines, how very pleasant. I feel like I should get very, very drunk before I go to that appointment. Ick. Yes, my life is so very fun, want to trade?
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