Date: May. 22, 2002 Time: 4:01 AM My current mood is: If I came out of the closet(except I'm not gay) Woooo....almost passed out there. The usual stand up get dizzy routine, no biggy. I bought a bunch of new fishies today, but no one cares so I won't bother with details. Oh, except that my newt died today :( I was sad, I have no clue why he died I've had him for like 8 months or so. So I bought a new one, he's nice and fat looking so he should be ok. So I've been thinking. Ya, I know that could be dangerous, the hamster running on the wheel in my head is already at full speed. I was thinking today how it's stupid to have to hide who I am. A little while ago I was thinking how I could read up on Hyperthyroidism, memorize everything about it so that I can pretend I have it, so that when people comment on my weight I can just say I have then, and they will say "oooooh ok". But today I was thinking why? Why should I have to lie? Why can't I take pride in who I am? Ok maybe not pride in the sense that I think I'm special cause I don't eat and I puke, but pride in the fact that I shouldn't have to make up stories for the way I am, or hide behind a "I didn't lose weight, what are you talking about?". Why can't I just say "Yes, I lost weight. I don't eat much." It reminds me of something I read in someone's diary....I can't remember who's it was, but they compaired starving themself to the movie Fight Club, the line where he says "Yes, these are bruises from fighting. Yes, I'm comfortable with that.", I wish I could be like that about starving myself. Because really, what good is it to lie? What if someone who is suffering with an eating disorder is looking to find someone who can relate, someone to say "Yes me too", and they hear someone comment to me, and I say "Oh, I have hyperthyroidism", then what? Why can't I be like "We're here and we're queer!", umm....ok except I'm not queer, but you know what I'm saying. Why can't I come out of the closet with starving myself? It's like being gay, people hide it because so many people are ignorent and predjudice, but the only way to beat that is for people to just come out and say "Yes, this is me, and I'm ok with this, and if you're not then you need to figure out why". Starving yourself or making yourself puke is like being gay, sort of, it's like....so many stereotypes, so many people who harbor hatred against those who are "different", without realizing hey, we are all people. People have this stereotype that people with EDs are these stupid little cheerleader rich girls, doing it to get guys or get attention. Well I'm sure there are some people who starve themselves who are like this, just like there are plenty of people who DON'T starve themselves who are like this. We don't do this to piss you off, or because we're spoiled brats. We do this because we have to. I could get into all the reasons why people do this to themselves, but that would take waaaaaaaay to long right now. But think of it this way, the same percentege of people that have anorexia is the same percentege in ALL animals, it's not just people you know. I had a snake die of anorexia and bulimia, so I know what I'm talking about. So THERE. So back to the point of this.....ummmm....oh ya! I wish I had the guts to just be open, completely out in the open about my eating. Maybe it would help someone else. If everyone hides in secrecy, then everyone is alone. Know what I mean? I mean what would be the big deal if I was like "Yes, I don't like to eat." what would happen that would be so terrible? I think the worst part would be the misunderstanding, the "just eat and stop being difficult". But all minoritiy groups(now having an ED is a minority group? lol) have to contend with this, it is the brave ones who stand up and say "this is me, deal with it." I'm not saying people should go around and be like "Hey I have an eating disorder!!" to random people, but I'm saying if someone comments, why should I have to lie? Why do I have to be ashamed of myself? Why can't I just be like "Yes I have a problem". Same thing with my scars, why do I have to make up stories? Why can't I just say "I did it myself" if someone asks? Not "if", "when", because people always do ask. Why should I let someone else make me feel ashamed, or like I have to hide? If you ask someone something, you should be prepaired for an answer. Sure it may catch people off guard to answer that question truthfully, but you know what people need to stop living in a fake reality. People need to know what goes on, and stop being naive. Maybe the next time someone says "What happened to your arm?" I'll say "A scissors". I can picture the look on someone's face. Now I'm feeling all commando warrior-ish, ready to hold a rally infront of the statehouse. On second thought, I'm kind of tired, so nevermind. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: