Date: May. 02, 2002 Time: 11:25 PM My current mood is: I can't speak english. Right now I feel like puking. Not cause I've eaten anything, just cause...I don't know, just to get what I'm feeling inside out of me. Ever since that year long struggle with bulimia, now when I feel upset I get this urge to puke. But I'm not going to do it or anything. Instead I came very close to stapling myself with a stapler...then realized, what happens if I can't get it out of my skin?? So I settled for bashing my arm with the phone a bunch of times. My sister had a talk with me a little while ago. It was about saying my feelings about Donna to my father. She was saying how she's the only one who stands up and says she does not want them to get married, that because I don't say anything he thinks I'm ok with it. I just....I can't. I can only starve myself. I can't tell them I don't want them to get married, that I don't like her. I don't know how. I kind of wish I could say what I feel, instead of trying to starve it away, or like yesterday take the anger out on myself through cutting. The good thing about any type of coping mechanism such as starving, drugs, drinking, cutting, is that it takes away the bad emotions. The bad thing is that after awhile you no longer know how to express what it is you are trying to hide, because now the only way you know how is through whichever mechanism you have chosen. When the only way you know how to speak is not through words, but through your body....nobody really knows what you are trying to communicate. Most people aren't fluent in "starvation", or know what it means when someone cuts themself, or what the messege is when you drink by yourself. Because it means different things to different people, and most people speak with their mouth. How can I say these things to my dad when we don't even know the same language? It's not like I think to myself "Hmm...my dad's getting married to a mega-bitch, I think I will starve myself so that he will notice". People don't speak Spanish or English because they just decided to one day. It's because it's the only way they know how to speak. Still haven't done any of my papers that were/will be due. I have 4 papers due, one take home test, and some homework assignments to do. Mind you, all of these except ONE test were already do, one is already a week late. It's up to me I guess, do I want to fail all my classes and pretty much certify that my dad will not ever let me go to college again? Or will I work my ass off and do all this stuff I owe and *hopefully* get some decent marks? I'm just so overwhelmed. I haven't gone to classes in weeks. To anyone reading this, I'm sure you're thinking "Get up off your ass and do your shit already!!! Stop complaining about it!!" My thoughts exactly. I'm such a lazy piece of shit. And this happens to me every semester, when it reaches the end I flip out and almost fail all my courses. I just hate how I get so overwhelmed, howcome no one else seems to? I just stop functioning. Suddenly there is no point to anything, I become suicidal, and struggle through my apathy to find some ounce of motivation to keep going on. (some self talk:)This is the end of school, THE END. That means summertime, no more tests or papers, if you can just get through this goddamn week you're all set!!!! What's the hold up?? Why do I give up so easily? Problems do NOT go away by just pretending their not there, these papers being due will not dissappear just because I don't do them. It's one thing if I decide to take time off from school of my own accord, but if I fail this semester like I WILL if I don't do my shit, then I will never have the option AGAIN to go to school! I've failed out of school once, this is my second chance, don't blow it! Just fucking DO IT! NOW! WHY ARE YOU STILL WRITING? Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: