Date: Apr. 24, 2002 Time: 1:23 AM My current mood is: I love to complain, it's fun I just got off the phone with John, haven't talked to him in awhile. I've been such a recluse lately, I never call anyone back! He was talking about his roomate who is starving herself, it makes me so envious, pretty lame huh? He said she lost 30lbs in 2 months, man why can't I lose more?? I think I am envious that he's worried about her, yet I'm starving myself too but he doesn't know. I'm actually not sure of what to do right now, I'm in a state of...confusion? I'm always confused though, so that's nothing new. But anyway, I'm not sure how quickly I want to lose weight. I'm still not sure how much I weigh, I'm guessing 95lbs still. I'm worried that people will start yelling at me about it and giving me shit. I mean I'm already getting some shit about it, but if my dad finds out what I'm doing...I don't know I'll just fuckin die. Then again, i was also thinking...well, why not? Who gives a shit if my dad knows? Why do I care? It's not like he can do anything anyway. Except annoy the shit out of me forever about it. So I'm kind of scared to go lower then this, but at the same time I want to lose weight. And of course the main thing here is that I simply cannot eat. I mean it's true, it's not even like I'm not eating so that I can lose weight, even if I wasn't losing weight I still couldn't eat. Food disgusts me, every time I eat it sickens me. Especially that I had to eat a ton while I was sick, that annoyed the crap out of me. But hey I'm better now, I have SO much more energy!! I was kind of upset though, my grandmother called to see how I was doing, and she started yelling at me :( She was saying that I was sick cause I don't eat enough, and that she's going to talk to my dad about it. That made me anxious, I hope he doesn't listen to her. Tonight I told my sister about how I've been reading my dad's emails. She was highly impressed at how devious I am, lol, and said I should work for the CIA. I told her what the emails between him and Donna said, and then let her read them. She was upset, after she finished she was like "I'm going out, I need to vent, I'll be back in awhile" and just took off. I don't know where she went, she's back now, I hope she's ok. She was shocked to find out all the things that they talked about, like for example me and her. The other day my dad was saying all the things he wants to redo in the house....like EVERYTHING! I feel like everything is topsy turvy. He wants to pretty much redo every single thing in the house, from carpet to wallpaper to reupholstering the kitchen seats to redoing the bathroom to new furniture...the list is too long to name. I know this may sound dumb, I mean why am I freaking out cause my dad wants to redo things in the house? But it's like, all at once. And it's because Donna will be moving in, once they get married. So now everything must change. I feel like my world is being turned upside down and inside out. I don't know anything anymore. I don't even know if I want to go back to school next semester or take a break. My dad is expecting me to do an internship this summer, I've been wanting to do one but now I don't know if I should, I already talked about that a couple entries ago though so I'm just repeating myself. I went to the psych. on Monday, I was accidently a half an hour late, oops! The whole time I was wondering if he would notice my weightloss. But he didn't, infact the only thing he talked about was the Prozac, and then sent me on my way. I was kind of disappointed. Not really sure why... actually I kind of wished I still went to my other psych., cause she harped on me about my weight constantly, and would always weigh me. But at the time it irritated me, why am I so weird? And why am I complaining so much? This whole entry is me complaining. Hey wait, that's EVERY entry! But it is my diary, my place to complain, HA! So there. Damn I should go to bed, I woke up at 5:30am(damn hunger pains). Goodnight! Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: