Date: Feb. 20, 2002
Time: 2:18 AM
My current mood is:
The natural goodness of apple sauce.
I realized something tonight. I realized that cinnamin flavored apple sauce tastes absolutely disgusting...don't tamper with nature people. I keep listening to the song "Kathy's Song" by Apoptygma Berzerk over and over again, I can't get enough of it! I love the part where they say "Come lie next to me", it sounds so mechanical. Anyone who's reading this should download it. It takes a couple times of listening to to get into it, but it's pretty damn good. Today I didn't do much, had a surprise test in school, don't you just love those? Well it was only a surprise to me actually, I just wrote it down for the wrong day. I think I did fairly well though. So behond that...school, physical therapy, didn't do anything else. I tried to diet today but ended up binging at dinner, blech. And to think I was only lowering my calories to 1,000 a day, I mean really that's not that bad. Oh well, I must remember that it takes time, I'll get it right eventually. I don't know what caused me to drop off the edge of recovery into wanting to be ana again. I know yesterday morning my dad yelled at me and I though "Fine. I won't eat today." He screamed at me because I asked him to put a map back into my car that HE had taken out of it. I really don't think that warrents getting yelled at, just asking someone to put something away that they took out. Then he tried some stupid bullshit saying "It's the LEAST you could do! I paid $3,000 for your car to be fixed!". Me:"Umm...no, actually the insurence company paid for that." him:"oh...uhhh...well I helped you fill out aaaalll those forms!". Hmmm....ok, now is it me, I am wondering how exactly do you help someone sign their name? He didn't help me fill out anything, I don't know why he's making shit up. That's so lame of him. Earlier he had a fit because it was almost 12am, and he wanted me to go grocery shopping NOW. I swear my dad is such a spoiled brat. I am NOT going at midnight, I have school tomorrow! He was all mad, saying I never go when I need to, blah blah. The thing is, I don't know where he's pulling this crap, obviously from his ass. I hate how he asks me to do something, and expects me to drop everything and do it right then, like my goal in life is to serve him. Either way, I really don't think me not going food shopping at midnight warrents him yelling at me and acting like an asshole. He gets so worked up over the littlest things, he's so immature. I just hate how he yells at me for dumb things like every fuckin day. Ya, I know I could have it worse, it's not like he hits me, well not anymore that is. Ok anyway.....I think I am starting to calm down from my weird nutty thing I went through this past week. I don't know why but I think the combination of Valentine's Day and just starting to date Christopher made me freak. I still feel so scared, and I wonder how can I make him stay? How can I make him fall for me? How can I entrap his heart, make him fall for me. I don't really know, I mean I only started dating him like what, 2 weeks ago? It's not like I'm all in love with him and shit, why do I want him to obsess over me? I think it's finally hit me that while I go around trying to believe that love is fake, relationships are lame, contrived instatutions put upon us by society...secretly I yearn for love, I wish I had someone. I need to get over this. Christopher is still being a prude, will not go any farther then kiss me. Argh....I can deal with this, I'm ok with it....lol. I do like going slow though, so physically I don't like it but...emotionally I do? Or something like that? I'm really not a sex maniac, and yes this goes out to all you people who have been giving me sex lectures lately!!! I'm not mentioning names, but for some reason everyone has been givng me lectures on waiting for love, STDs, etc. I'm not having sex!!! I haven't even had sex since Bud, which was like November or January. So calm down guys. When I say "bootie call" "hook up" "get with" that all means make out, not have sex. I will try to be more clear in the future. I only have sex when I am comfortable with it, meaning in a relationship. Not saying I dissapprove of anyone who doesn't wait for that, I don't care, for me personally that's when I feel comfortable enough to do that though.
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