Date: Dec. 21, 2001 Time: 1:42 AM My current mood is: Suicidal thoughts, and pining away I'm so depressed right now. Fighting the urge to binge, though I'm not even hungry. I just got to thinking about how what is the point of everything? What is the point of me going to school, of having taken a course that will allow me to do internships, what is this building to? Theoreticly, it is building to me eventually becomeing a therapist or what have you. But in reality, I may never get to be one. All this schooling, it may be for nothing. What if the day after I graduate from college, I get hit by a car? Then it will have all been for nothing. To tell you the truth, I doubt I will ever see the day when all of this pays off. I doubt I will achieve my goals in life. This makes me sad. I just can't understand how people can go through life, living each day, and not be suicidal. I wonder how many people are suicidal? I don't really like to say I am, considering I'm not like actually going to go kill myself, it's just that I think about it, always have. When it comes down to it, I just don't have the guts to do something like that. The only time was in 8th grade when I took a bunch of pills. That was the saddest attempt of suicide that has ever occured....I took a bunch of anti-car sickness pills. Woohoo. I didn't even get high off it. Besides that, I've never tried to out right kill myself, more like in a passive way. Like if a this may kill me but I'm not actually trying to kill myself type of thing. Like how I used to just walk out into traffic when I wanted to cross the street. I'd figure "hey, if they stop, they stop, if not, who cares". But anyway, I've gotten side tracked into the past.... So anyway, ya, I'm depressed. I ACTUALLY HUNG OUT WITH BUD! It was so weird. I feel like I'm not even going out with him anymore practicly. Halfway through hanging out with him I got the disturbing though "Ok, this is enough now, I want him to go home". It made me feel bad, I mean, I like Bud, right? Why did I want him to go? It kind of depressed me, hanging out with him, I don't know why. We lied down in my bed at one point, he fell asleep and I thought about John, and how I miss him. Sometimes I don't really feel like I can talk to Bud about things. I don't know why. I think cause he's always so happy and bouncy, I don't want to bring him down. Plus, he doesn't ever really ask about stuff like what's wrong or if something's bothering me anyway. Sometimes I wonder how much I really like Bud. Although I don't know why, I mean he's a good person and we get along, I think sometimes the problem is that I compair him to John too much. Why do I still pine over John? The thing is, it's not like I'm just reliving the past, I still talk to him and stuff, whenever we talk we talk for hours...which sucks for the phone bill, but we just click so much. I really need to get over the fact that it will never happen again with John, we are only friends now, DEAL WITH IT. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: