Date: Dec. 04, 2001
Time: 3:40 PM
My current mood is:
distance in my house
GOD!! I am so pissed off right now! My dad's been home for like 20 minutes, and already I'm on the verge of freaking out. I just can't stand how he always orders me around! He can never just tell me something, like just now, he could have told me that today was my grandmothers birthday, but instead he says "Go call grandma and wish her a happy birthday", as if I'm some stupid 5 year old. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is when ever single thing he ever says to me is said by ordering me to do it. I just get sick of it! Why can't he just talk to me or be nice to me, treat me with some respect? Most of the time that he tells me to do things, like say to go clean something, he doesn't bother to even find out if it was me who did it in the first place. I don't even care, I just clean it up anyway cause I'm not going to sit there and whine about how I refuse to put a mess away that isn't mine. He does that all the time, and it pisses me off, he'll be standing next to....say, a draw that I accidently left open, and he'll tell me to close it...yet he is standing right there!! And if I said no and refused, he would harass me forever to close it, cause that's how he is. Personally, I think it would be easier if he would just close it and stop being such a fucking lazy asshole, I mean that's what I do if someone else accidently leaves something, if it's a big mess I will leave it for the person but something simple I will just do myself instead of making a big stink about it. He's so immature. I commented the other day how since my sister has her own car now, my car is spotless clean. He used to always harass me about how messed up my car was, and whenever I tried to say it wasn't me who made the mess he refused to believe me and would just yell at me for it. Cause my sister is perfect and doesn't do stuff like that. So I told him, it's so clean now, and he says "Good, keep it that way". Totally missing the point I was trying to make. Now I just feel like I'm bitching about nothing. I mean I acknoledge that half the stuff I'm saying sounds dumb, but it's really everything added together. Plus, I don't know, to me communicating with your child shouldn't consist soley of demands and blaming. That's the only tiem we talk really, is when he's ordering me around. Once in awhile he'll try to pretend he's interested in my life by asking me some generic questions like "how is school" or "did you get any grades back?". As you can see, even then, it's pretty much him wanting to know if I'm getting good grades, nothing too personal. I can't stand being around my dad, I mean I feel bad saying this cause it's not like he's horrible, there are many many worse fathers then him. It's just that when talking to someone means being ordered around, you wouldn't want to be around that person either. Just earlier, for another example, he says "Go bring your drawer up here." (My draw from my nightstand is broken by the way.) Me:"why?" Him"so Jerry can fix it" Me: "I can fix it myself" Him "No you can't. Go get it, bring it up here" Me:"thanks a lot. I CAN fix it" Him "No you can't. How are you going to fix it?"(said in a sarcastic tone). It's great to have someone believe in me. Yay. Ya, that's pretty much all he's said to me today, except for "has anyone called for me?" and "clean up your mess in the kitchen" (probably my sister's mess). Maybe I'm wrong to feel bad about wanting to move out. I mean ya my dad will be all alone...but it sure as hell doesn't seem like he wants me around! I mean seriously I think he would be a lot happier if I wasn't here, all I do is annoy him.
Right now it is 4:30pm, and I'm still in my pajamas. I haven't gone to class today, instead I have been filling my day with binging and purging. Lately I've started up purging more again and now the past couple days I don't even know how many times a day I have been doing it, I haven't been keeping track. I'm wandering the house in a haze, looking for something too fill me with so I can then rid myself of it. This is nuts, why can't I stop this. Perhaps tomorrow I can not do it at all, I will try.
By the way, I don't remember if I wrote it already or not, but I finally got my period. I need to go back on the pill, can't have any more scares!! Glad I'm not...right now on the soap Passions, Taresa is pregnent with her husband to be's FATHER(not his real father actually)! Glad I'm not in that kind of situation.
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