Date: Dec. 02, 2001 Time: 9:01 PM My current mood is: medical woes I am so FREEZING!!!!!! I'm sitting here wearing jeans, a short sleeve shirt(my work shirt) and a fleese hoody, and I am so damn cold it sucks. I keep sitting on my hands cause it's the only way for them to not be totally frozen. I feel like I'm sitting outside in the cold or something, yet actually it is 70 degrees in my house. I can't concentrate on writing my paper cause I'm so damn cold! Well, that and the fact that I'm feeling kind of dizzy or in a haze. But no, I refuse to eat anything today, not after all the binging and purgeing yesterday, not to mention the chips and candy I ate last night without purging. I think I am anemic or something, not sure if that would be the cause of this, but I'm bruising so extremely easily lately it's not even funny. Today my leg was itchy, so I scratched it a couple times, and now I have this huge bruise there! Just from scratching an itch. So weird. Something else health related too, I have no idea when the last time I got my period was. I mean it might have not been that long ago, and maybe I just can't remember it? No, I would remember, wouldn't I? I know for a fact I didn't get it for November, and I can't recall getting it October either. I know I must have gotten it the month before that. Maybe I should try to keep track better. I doubt I'm pregnant, Bud and I have always used protection, and we've never broken a condom. But just to be safe, I think I should take a pregnancy test. I'm too scared to buy one though....but I also don't want to worry Bud. Eh, fuck that, I'm going to make him buy it. That would be horrible if I am pregnant, as I've already agreed with myself that I will never ever get an abortion again. I do not regret making that decision, that was the only one I could make at the time, there was no way I could have a kid. But I could never go through that again. I think emotionally it would just kill me, I mean seeing as at that time I was "recovered" from my first time around of not eating/losing weight, and the abortion/pregnancy caused it to come back again with a vengence. I've had "food problems" ever since that point. Just a side note, I hate saying eating disorder by the way, I either say "food problems" or ED. So the question is, if I was pregnant, what would I do? It would still be horrible for me to keep it, I mean my life would be ruined as well as the child's. I have no question in my mind that my dad would kick me out, which would mean I would not be able to go to school anymore, and I would be homeless. My option would be to move in with Bud, in his little studio apartment which is definitly not big enough for 2, let alone 3. I can't even imagine what life would be like after that. I just know it would be praticly impossible to support ourselves. And giving it up for adoption....I don't know, I mean geez. I don't think I could do that. I think my only option would be like what my friend did. Starve it away. I would just starve and starve until it went away, and I wouldn't even tell Bud. But why am I even thinking about this?? I'm not pregnant. Geez my fingers are fucking freezing from typing. I'm just going to assume here that the lack of periods are from not eating and purging, not saying that I'm "good" at not eating, cause I don't even feel like I have a problem worth bothering with, but maybe if I don't get my period for 3 months cause of it, it will make me feel like I've achieved something, maybe I'm not a loser after all. Not getting your period for 3 months is a symptom of anorexia, incase you(I'm assuming someone is reading this) didn't know. Not that I'm anorexic. Oh, and I forgot to say, I hung out with Bud last night! YAAAAAY! I hadn't seen him in exactly a week straight. He was so happy to see me, I kept wondering why?? I mean why would he be so extatic due to my presence?? Why would anyone? I almost asked him why in god's name would he be happy to see me, but then I remembered how in therapy Joyce said that I should just trust that he likes me, that he has his reasons and that he is competent to make up his own mind about liking me. So I just kept my mouth shut on that. Ok, I just can't write anymore, my fingers are painfully cold. Plus I have 2 papers to write....AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Yes, they are due tomorrow. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: