Date: Nov. 04, 2001 Time: 6:04 PM My current mood is: my yucky ears, and Bud This sucks! Last night, where one of my earings was, got really swollen. I could barely even take the earing out. Bud forced me to show him my ears, and he started yelling at me about how I shouldn't have let it go this long and that if I don't get them looked at by a docter I will have to get them amputated! YIKES!! Well, I think he was exaggerating a little bit, I don't think it's THAT bad. They have been infected for like almost 2 weeks now though, and they aren't getting better. He made me take out all my earings last night. I was so sad, all 10 of them. This sucks, now they will all heal closed and I will have no earings at all, damnit! Why do I always let problems like this go on for so long? I always end up turning small problems into big deals cause I don't get it fixed fast enough. I'll see how they look tomorrow, if they don't look better maybe I will call the docters. I want to lose weight so much, I'm so looking forward to being thin again. I was thinking about it, and part of me can't wait to see what happens when Bud realizes I'm thin. One thing that might happen, is that he will get very angry at me and break up with me. I don't know why I would want that to happen, I mean I don't, but in a way it would show if he really cares enough about me or not, right? I mean if he would break up with me for being thin, it would show that he doesn't really like me as much as he thinks. I feel bad though, cause I feel like I make him deal with so much, it's totally unfair for me to make him deal with me getting thin too. Just last night, like what I wrote about my ears, he was checking them and stuff and I kept thinking how grossed out he must be, how it's so bad that I'm letting him look at my yucky ears. I mean I shouldn't make him do that, even though I guess I didn't make him, he pretty much forced me to let him see my ears. And to have to deal with knowing I make myself throw up, and that I sometimes cut myself, and that I get depressed...the list goes on and on. I just always feel like it's unfair of me to put such a burden on him, cause that's what I am, a burden. And now with not eating, that's going to make him get all worried, cause I know how he is. And it's really not a big deal, I wish he knew that, I'm fine. You can be thin and be healthy, nothing wrong with that. I've noticed that lately Bud's been saying "Would you still love me if ", like when we are joking around. Cause lots of times I'll say "Would you still go out with me if..", but it's weird cause he says "love"....we've never said the L word to each other yet. So I find it weird that he's saying that, would you still love me.....considering I've never said I did love him in the first place. I mean not saying I dislike him, he's a great great guy, but yikes we've only been going out for 3 months, love seems too far away. I wonder if he means anything by it, like if he's testing me to see if I'll answer "yes I'll still love you", I don't know. Maybe I should bring it up to him? I don't want to embarris him though. Hmmmmm.... maybe next time he says it, I will ask him about it. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: