Date: 2001-08-15 Time: 10:37 p.m. My current mood is: I am a hippo God I feel like such a FAILURE! I try and try not to eat but then I end up eating anyway, I'm so pathetic!!! And I didn't even really get to purge today when I've eaten, cause I keep getting interupted. So now I have all this gross food in me, just sitting there turning into pounds. This is so dumb, I want to lose weight, and I get all psyched about it, but when it comes down to actually doing it I just am too much of a pig. Today I ate 3 bowls of cereal, a bagel with cream cheese and this cinnamon pastery thing, which was probably thousands of calories. I am so absolutely gross. It's not like it is that difficult, I mean how hard is it to not eat? Apparently for me it is too difficult. Once again, I will try to fast tomorrow. I was going to do that today but as you can see it didn't work out very well. I might even eat another pastry when my dad leaves the kitchen, I don't want him to know I'm going to have another one. Let's see, as far as other things... I feel like I want to fall in love with Bud. I mean I'm not inlove with him, I just wish I were. I don't know why. I'm just feeling really clingy or something, I really want to feel comfortable, so be able to know I have him and feel...I can't really put into words what I mean. But I don't know how I feel about him. He's cool, but we've only been together like 2 1/2 weeks, so I don't really have many really deep feelings or anything. Like for example, John. When I was going out with him, I really really liked him a lot. While I do really like Bud, I just haven't known him long enough to have much of a past with him or have much of a bond, I mean I do as much as one can for having known someone for 2 1/2 weeks, but whatever. John said he is coming up here next week. That got me thinking... imagine if he came up and say...well I mean I know this wouldn't happen, but what if he wanted to start something again, what would I do? Like if I had to pick between him and Bud, who would I pick? Am I still not over John? Why am I so desperate? Well, all I talk about it guys and food, my life is so lame. I haven't really been doing much lately, basicly just working. I get so exhausted from work, I don't even feel like going out afterwards. Lifting stuff all day is tiring. School is starting soon, only like a couple more weeks, I'm looking forward to it. Still feeling depressed, as I have been all week. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: