Date: 2001-06-28 Time: 2:18 p.m. My current mood is: mirror mirror on the wall...who is the thinnest of them all? I'm so depressed right now. Not for any particular reason really. Well, I did just email John. And I told him *gasp* my feelings! I emailed him the poem I wrote about him too. I figured it was ok for me to do, since I never talk about that kind of stuff. So it's not being obsessive if I get like that just once, right?? I should have added at the end "I will not harass you like this again", just so he knows. Also I've been eating the past 2 days, no!!! I was doing well, hence my last entry saying how well I'm doing on my diet, but then I ended up feeling so weak and shitty I ate. Then I just didn't stop and ate and ate and ate! And today have been munching too. Damnit!! Oh, and today I took my sister to the gynocologist(yuck), and while looking at the sign for where her docter is, I saw they had and eating disorder unit there too. It kind of freaked me out. I don't know why, I guess just the thought that there were a bunch of really thin girls in the building, thinner then me, and who have a REAL illness, it just freaked me out a bit. Like what if I ran into any of them? What if I went into that program, what would that be like? I know what it would be like, I would be the fattest one there and they would all laugh at me and think god how fat she is, why is she even here? I mean I guess there would also be bulimic girls there too, so they would not be thin I bet, or compulsive over eaters, I'm sure everyone would think I'm there for that. I would feel so embarrised being at one of those, and SO paranoid. I'm never going into one of those things, ever. Infact, I feel like I'm letting everyone down as it is, by being this weight. I'm still 105lbs I think. I just know everyone is thinking I'm fat, or at least disappointed that I'm not thin. Like what about Jim? I told him my whole sob story with food, and now I'm this fat??? I'm sure he's thinking I was lying or something, cause I sure as hell don't look like I try not to eat. At least at 95 I looked somewhat "convincing". I mean I wasn't wicked thin or anything, but at least I wasn't a blob like now. And Katie, she must think the same. Although, lately I've noticed Katie is eating a lot of junk food, I think she's going back into one of her binge/starve cycles. Every time she comes over she eats icecream and Smart Food cheese popcorn. In a way, I'm almost glad. I know that sounds bad, but before she was losing weight, though she swore that she was recovered, she said she stopped binging and dieting and then somehow magicly was losing weight. So now that she is eating more again, that means I have time to lose more so I can be thinner then her. I don't want her to be thinner, I mean...I dunno, that would upset the balance of things I guess. Part of that is sincere worry for her, I really don't want her to lose weight and stuff, she needs to be healthy, but part is self-absobtion, me wanting to be the thinnest. Hmmm...ok, I just totally got off track, what was I saying before? Oh, how I need to be thin for people. Ya, cause of the few people I've told, now they see me at this weight they must think I was just lying. I wouldn't lie about something like that, I need to get thin to show them, so I don't feel embarrised. Ok, enough of my ranting and raving about food and weight. I'm going to go eat some chinese food damnit. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: