Date: 2001-06-09 Time: 9:51 p.m. My current mood is: my cuts are seen! I've been so mad all day long! I just want to kick the shit out of something/someone. But of course I won't. Ok first, me and my dad went shopping for glasses for me(cause mine suck). For some reason my dad always gets so riled up over the smallest things, the whole time he kept flipping out at me for everything. It's not even like he's really yelling at me...it's more like he gets this attitude like "What are you some kind of freak??" tone of voice, and it makes me feel like shit. Why does he always have to talk to me as if I just suggested we go murder some people then eat them? Well anyway, so that was the first thing that sucked today, or at least that I can remember. Oh, and the next thing has to do with what happened yesterday. Yesterday I took my sister to the docters, and as we were waiting on the bench, she looked at my arms and said "What happened to your arms? Where did you get that cut from, you have them a bunch of them?" I was SOOOOOOO upset inside, WHY did she have to notice???? The only other time she's noticed them was years ago when she was younger. She asked me if I was doing heroin cause I had "track marks"....lol, she was young, obviously does not know what track marks look like. So I had to convince her then that I was not a heroin addict. But anyway, this is years later now, I wonder if she even remembers that. I panicked, and said, "ummm, I was cleaning my room...and..umm" then I just tried to hide my arms and we dropped it. I actually only have one cut on my arm right now, but I have scars all over them. So anyway, today me and my dad were in the car, and I saw him look at my arms, I was like oh shit... he's never noticed my cuts ever. Weird too, I've been cutting for 10 years, yet he's never noticed. Well anyway, he said "What happened to your arm?" I got all uncomfortable and said nothing is wrong I just have a scratch. He kept pestering me saying "It looks like you have more then one, why are you hiding your arm? Let me see." So I flipped out on him and was like "You're making me feel self conscious! Why do you always have to point shit out??? Like if I have one zit you have to point it out and tell me!! You always do this!!" I actually freaked out like that on purpose, bringing up the zits thing to kind of distract him from my arms. It worked. But after that I was so upset and pissed. WHY DID THEY BOTH NOTICE 2 DAYS IN A ROW???? I am very sensitive about my cutting. I think my sister said something to my dad about it. I mean how else would that explain it? I've been cutting so long, and nether of them has noticed really, I think she did. I feel like punching a wall! And just now, my dad asked me if I got my grades back, I've been dreading that moment! So I told him my grades...except I left out the -D. I just couldn't bare to tell him. But still, he was just like "Oh.", and then was saying how maybe next semester, blah blah. I mean he didn't yell at me or anything, but he sounded kind of disappointed, like as if I told him I was dropping out of school or something. In high school, if I had gotten these grades (excluding the -D), my dad would have been thrilled! I tried to tell him though, that the Zoloft helped me concentrate 1st semester, but 2nd semester it stopped working, so that's why. I feel like shit now. I know inside he thinks that I've had my day in the sun with getting all A's 1st semester, and now that's it. He thinks I'm trying to hang on to something that was, not something that is.....or maybe he's not thinking that, maybe it's just I'm the one thinking that. Either way, that's what I'm thinking. What is there left for me? Anything at all? I just went on Effexor or something like that, I wonder if it will work. I think that's what my uncle was on. Obviously it didn't work, cause he ended up flipping out anyway. All today I've tried not to flip out. I'm so angry. Fuck it. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: