Date: 2001-05-02
Time: 3:21 p.m.
My current mood is:
I want to die
I'm feeling incredibly suicidal today. Can I even call it that? Cause I really wanna fuckin die, but I know I'm not going to actually do it, at least not anytime in the near future. Why does everything suck? I hate everything. Well first I woke up, and missed my first class, which is not actually a class more like a meeting with my "retard instructer", or advisor as other people call it. I missed it last week too, and I think even the week before that! And I promised her I'd go this time. I didn't mean to, I just overslept. God I'm such a bitch. So anyway, then I figured while I was waiting for my other class, I'd walk around, and then decided to stop by John's. Oh, and I have my FUCKING PERIOD for the millionth time this month. So anyway, it ended up me giving John sexual pleasures, then after I was done he said he needed to go and do work and stuff, so I had to go. Yup, I sure feel like a whore. I mean I know it's not like he could do the same back to me...cause ick I have my period, but it's just getting to me I think. Cause this is the 3rd time I've had my period in a span of a month. So for the past month it's basicly been me doing stuff to him physically, and not much in return, (not that I want him to right now, gross!). So it's just kinda taking it's toll on me, interms of I feel like I'm just his dumb hoe. So as I left I just felt like wouldn't that be perfect if right now I just killed myself? John would feel bad for doing that then. But anyway, so then just now, I got a $50 ticket! God it's like the day keeps getting worse and worse. I even sort of cried, well like one or 2 tears. So right now I'm "drowning my sorrows" with food, just munching on whatever. At first I was motivated to never eat again, but after that cop thing, now it's like whatever. It's just NOT a good thing to be pulled over and get a ticket while you're feeling suicidal. I was also thinking about great it would be, as the cop was giving me the ticket, to be like "Hey thanks, I'm going to go kill myself now ok?" Then drive into a tree or something, just to get back at the asshole. What is it about me wanting people to feel bad today? It's like I want people to "pay" or whatever. How very childish. That's like when I was little and I used to think like that. I'd get mad at my parents and think to myself fine, just for that(whatever *that* was), I'm going to kill myself, then they'll be sorry. It would be the middle of winter, and I'd go outside and sit on the steps in my pajamas, so that I would freeze to death, just to get back at them. Of course this never worked, I'd get too cold in about 10 minutes I'd go back in lol. Back to John though, as I was leaving he did say "So I guess I'll probably see you after your night class?", so I guess that does mean he wants to hang out... but you know what, too bad! I said yes, but I'm just going to go home and not show up :P Let him see how it feels to feel...I dunno, insecure? He doesn't care about me, all he wants me around for is to be his hoe, he doesn't give a shit about me. Then he's just going to leave, and he'll be fine with it cause what the hell does he care huh? Why am I even involved with him??? When all it will turn into is eventual heartache. Why can't he be more like Matt? Matt gave me a flower yesterday, and he's always nice to me. Sometimes he kisses my hand. I know Matt's the type that if I went out with him, he would give me thousands of compliments a day, I mean he's already told me that I'm his queen and that I'm a princess. Matt's a really cool guy, he lets his feelings show and stuff, although I dunno, I mean he's great and all but I'd rather be with John. I mean I've thought of what if I just called it off with John and went out with Matt, even though I don't even know if I'd want to go out with him, just cause I know he'll be so nice to me and make me feel so special. But I know that's wrong, I can't just go out with someone cause they make me feel like I'm cool. It was just a thought. Well anyway, I think I do feel a tiny bit better having written down my feelings, I was going to go grab my razor and make some really deep cuts(I was in the mood to see my blood pouring out), but I don't know if I'm going to now, I feel kinda drained(no pun intended) after writing. I'm not sure if I'm going to let John I'm mad or not, whenever I do stuff like that and start whining and bitching to guys, they act like they have no idea what my problem is and like I'm crazy. That's what Jim would always say, lol, "You're crazy!", after complaining to him about something he "did". Maybe I am crazy, maybe any normal sane rational person in my situation would see it completely differently. I know that usually after I flip out about something, I end up saying "Ya, maybe I was being a bit mental over nothing". I hate being so overly sensitive!
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