Date: Mar. 03, 2003 Time: 11:36 PM My current mood is: Spiraling down and loving it....I mean, um, no I hate it, really. I feel....nothing. I don't feel. It's odd how much more numb I am now, now that starvation and binge/purging have squeezed their way back into my life. When I stopped I felt so much, especially so much intense anger. Now I'm not angry, just nothing. I know there are things I should be feeling, like I know what the appropriate feeling would be in each given situation, but I no longer actually feel them. I just eat and throw up instead, feeling only the dizziness of starvation wrap around me like a cozy blanket. When Jon left Sunday night, I wasn't that sad. I mean I kind of was, but instead I binged/purged 3 times in a row, silencing my inner self. Is it wrong? If you could find a way to escape negative emotions/feelings, would you? Eating normal I felt so fiery, alive, angry. Now I am tired, satisfied, numb. I feel like a small window of oppertunity has just about passed me by. Like there was a point when i first started purging again that I could stop, that if I got help fast enough I'd be ok. I didn't want to relapse, I wanted help. Now I feel like I've slipped past that point, now I'm not really sure I want to stop. The energy and perserverence I've put towards recovery, I can't seem to find it anymore. Where is my will to fight? I don't know. I'm liking it too much now, the pleasure of emptiness, the eating and puking, losing weight. It's seductive voice beckoning to me, and knowing it's wrong, knowing I should fight against it, I can't help but walk towards it, to be mesmorized, under it's spell. I can't remember why I should stop. My weekend was cool, Jon came up and slept over the whole weekend. He sat me down and said I've "lost tons of weight", even though I only lost 4lbs! Weirdo. He talked about if this progressed who he'd have to tell, and if he'd have to hospitalize me. I got all pissed saying he cant tell anyone and no one can hospitalize ME! He apologized for sounding like he was threatening me though. I'm talking to him on the phone right now so can't finish the entry, stay tuned for some uploaded pictures (if I'm not lazy). Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: