Date: Sept. 07, 2002 Time: 11:43 PM My current mood is: The Story of My ED Part 2 1/2: A revisitation to Lost In my last entry I perhaps left out some things. I kind of wanted to stay away from the other aspects of my life, and just focus on the food/weight, but after thinking about it that's impossible. For my issues with food/weight are tied in with my life, and it's impossible to talk about one without the other. So this is a sort of revisition of the last entry. I'd forgotten to mention the panic attacks I started getting at work, I was so...I don't even know the word, the word "stressed" isn't even the correct word for what I'm trying to describe. At work I would daily(hourly?) rest my head against the wall and close my eyes, because the horrible horrible feelings surging through me just wouldn't permit me to do anything else, but just sit there and hope and wish that they would dissappear, and think about how I just wanted to end it all. I started clenching my teeth at this time, constantly. I soon developed TMJ, which is basicly like athritis of the jaw, brought on by stress. So you can see, it was pretty damn bad, I was praticly having a nervous breakdown. I had also at the time, met one of "those" men. You know the kind... we dated for 2 weeks, and in this time he promised me the sun the moon and the stars, he told me he thought I was "the one". Being as that it was only a few days since I had broken up with Charlie that I began seeing him, in a fit being on the rebound and upset, I bought into it. I ate up every single word of it. He seemed absolutly smitten with me, that is, until I wouldn't sleep with him. Suddenly *poof*! He split. I was absolutly crushed. Here was someone telling me all the things I wanted to hear, someone who didn't put me down and tell me no one would ever want me(like Charlie had), and then he was gone. I'd also like to mention that when I'd lost those 10lbs, my sister got ripshit at me. Not because she was concerned, but because *she* was the thin one, not me! I remember one day prancing around in her size one shorts(which were pretty tight on me but hey they fit!), she was so bullshit about that, how dare I fit into her pants?! I also want to make clear that I do NOT blame my mom's sickness on my eating disorder. Yes, that's when it started, but that was just the tip of the iceburg. Would I have gotten one if she had never gotten sick? Probably. You see, I left out the fact that prior to this, I'd been self injuring since age 11. Whenever something would upset me, quick get out a sharp object, that will take care of everything right? I never quite learned how to ever deal with things. During the period that I was working at the pet store, is when I decided to stop cutting once and for all. Is that a factor, that my issues with food/weight came about around the time that I stopped cutting myself? Trading one coping mechanism for another? Could be. Then again it could of just been the way I was brought up. Which brings us to the next episode... To Be Continued(after I go purge)..... Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: