Date: Aug. 10, 2002
Time: 3:17 PM
My current mood is:
All fucked up
Yesterday was interesting, in a scary fucked up kind of way. As I mentioned before, I'm doing the whole eating and keeping it down thing, about 2,000 calories a day, normal! Anyway, so yesterday I went to work at 4pm, I'd say at about 5pm I started feeling odd. Suddenly I was FREEZING, mind you I normally am freezing, but this was like I was in Alaska. At the same time though, I felt this weird tingly hot sensation in my head. I had goosebumbs all over me and was shivering, I checked the temperature and it was 72. I also felt wicked light headed, I seriously wasn't sure if I was going to pass out or not. Suddenly my vision started getting weird too. Everything seemed a little fuzzy and bright, the white parts of everything seemed to blind me. I just kept thinking "This isn't supposed to be happening! I'm eating normal!" It's one thing if shit like this happens when you're starving yourself or puking, cause you know what it's from. I even put on a second shirt, and I still was freezing my ass off yet felt hot in my face. I went in the bathroom to see if I looked sick, and I scared the shit out of myself when I looked in the mirror(once again). I looked HORRIBLE, I was pale as fuck and somethign about the way I looked just was off and scary. I looked closer and realized what it was that was so odd besides being so pale...the pupils in my eyes were HUGE!! They litirally looked like I just had black colored eyes, with just a tiny rim of blue around them, I looked like I was tripping or something. I even stared into a light to see if they would get smaller again and they wouldn't. I have no idea what causes that but damn, that was strange, that's probably why my vision seemed off and everything seemed too bright. In my mind I kept thinking about what an asshole that stupid docter was, I mean I had to ask him about my blood tests, he wasn't even going to tell me. Then he says my tests came out fine, except that I had high bilirupin levels. I asked him what that meant(again, he wasn't even going to explain it to me), he said "Oh, just something that has to do with you liver, don't worry about it."...ummm... Fuck head! Also I kept having to stop myself from laughing out loud, for some reason I kept almost laughing for no reason. The thing that struck me though, was after I looked in the mirror and saw how horrible I looked, I was thinking my god, I wonder why no one has said anything to me about it? Then I realized... they've given up. It's true, the people at my work have seen me looking like death too many times now. I've been sent home, them saying "You look horrible! You need to go home NOW", called in sick many times, eventually you stop caring when someone always looks sick. And it made me kind of sad, cause I understood why. So it just saddened me to know they are so used to me looking like this, they've come to accept it as normal. I freaked out some customer though. He came into my line, and nervously said "Soo...busy day?" I just looked at him. He said "Umm...or...not busy..?" starting to look a bit scared, then said "Or...maybe both?", definitly looking at me like he wanted to just run away. I finally had worked out in my head whether it was busy or not and in a daze I said "oh it was busy earlier but not now". On my break I ate McDonalds figuring it might help, it was hard to eat cause I was shaking so bad! Finally at night they told me I could go home at 10pm, and they all would stay later. I ended up going to the bar with Julie and Katie, I know not the best idea but whatever. Why did that happen if I'm eating??
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