Date: May. 02, 2002 Time: 12:56 AM My current mood is: Cut myself Ok I know a few entries ago I named it "I'm fucked", but man I am like seriously FUCKED! I cut myself. For the first time in...I don't know. I could look back in my diary and see but I'm too lazy. It felt wonderful, such a release, it was as if I had just had sex after I finished cutting. I know that sounds sooo weird. I just looked at my new cuts lovingly, how much I've missed cutting, my cuts are beautiful looking. I love the way they look. To someone who doesn't cut that might seem bizarre, but I think if you do cut you might know what I'm talking about. GOD I've missed it! I had to stop myself, not go too nuts with it. For some reason I keep counting the amount of cuts over and over, not sure why it's not like I'm going to find a new one! I've never counted them before. I made 10 cuts. I used to do probably about 50 at a time, so I think I didn't do *too* bad this time. Oh fuck, for some reason every time I play my Hole cd the cd player makes this annoying sound. Probably cause I got that cd when I was like 14! Damn. Oh...the reason I cut? Well, I mean I've been having mad urges to cut lately anyway, but the thing that sent me into self injury land was talking to John's roommate. The one who is ana. She picked up the phone when I called for John, and I didn't even plan on it but I was like "Umm..there's something I have to tell you". I figured she should know that her roommates were snooping on her computer and found her pro-ana sites. I tripped all over my words and was like "Uh..just forget it, I shouldn't have said anything". At first when I tried to tell her she was like "What? What are you saying to me??" like she was mad at me and that totally freaked me out but then she was nicer, I think she realized I was telling her out of looking out for her, just to warn her about it, not try to like, I don't know, lecture her or something. I couldn't even say "pro-ana", I was like "you know, *those* sites..do you know what I'm talking about?". She immediatly explained it away saying "oh that was for a project,etc." I felt bad, I wanted to tell her about me...I really did. But I didn't know what to say, it was SUCH an awkward phone call. So I got off the phone, lied in bed for a little thinking STUPID STUPID STUPID repeatedly, and then I cut myself. I feel like I'm so crazy. Here I am, sitting in this chair drinking water to calm my empty stomach, cuts on my arm, rocking back and forth while I am pulling out my hair. The rocking back and forth....let me explain. It's a WEIRD side effect the Prozac is giving me! Can you believe that? It's turning me into a retarded person. It makes my muscles weird, like I have urges to make repetetive movements, like I have Torettes Syndrome(well not the swearing part). Like i keep making weird movements with my head. At least I HOPE it's from the Prozac!! Side effects the Prozac is giving me so far:that weird muscle movement thing, urge to pee constantly, zits, no sex drive, no ability to orgasm......ya, everything BUT making me happy. And no, I haven't done either of the papers that are due TOMORROW! Uffff. I wish I could just fucking die then I wouldn't have to deal with it. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: