Date: Apr. 29, 2002
Time: 1:59 PM
My current mood is:
I'm fucked
God this sucks. I have a take home test and a paper due tonight for my 7pm class, and I've done neither of them. Oh and with the paper I need to have like 35 journal entries. Fuck. I think I *might* have 10. This blows extremely. I don't know what to do....obviously the easiest thing would be to DO THE WORK, but I'm just so overwhelmed. I know that sounds wicked lame and hard to understand, but when it comes to school work I get overwhelmed easily and end up not doing any of it because I just get frozen. Too much.....it's all too much. I can't take school anymore, I think I'm taking next semester off, I don't know if I can deal with it anymore. If I don't do my papers I will fail all my classes, I NEED to do them! It's just all too much. I hate this, the fact that I know I can get all A's in school. I'm not even bragging, I'm just being truthful, I could easily get all A's with only minimal studying. But this damn....whatever it is, depression, learning disability, ADD, whatever it is, or maybe a combination of all 3, I end up not doing well in school. It's always been like that and I hate it. I know for someone who hasn't had it, it sounds odd for depression to really affect your schoolwork that much, but it does. Yesterday my dad, my sister and I were fighting about the same stupid crap as always(not being able to trust him, him trying to steal from us, the usual) and it got brought up about how I was when I was younger. How when I was little, like 3 years old, my parents thought I was Autistic. That makes me feel awful inside, people thinking I was Autistic? Not that I'm saying there is anything wrong with Autistic people, but god. They didn't realize it wasn't Autism, that at 3 years old I was already deep in the haze of chronic depression. Sometimes I wonder, am I the only one? Obviously I know I'm not, but really I wonder how many people in the world are/have been depressed as early as age 3, or younger? What is the percentage of people who have literally suffered from depression their entire lives? I can never tell my dad the reason I was so "odd" all through childhood, he thinks it's just cause I had ADD. I think it would make him feel bad to know that I was actually very depressed all those years, and he didn't know. I don't blame him I guess, not many people think of looking for symptoms of depression in children. They just knew something was wrong with me. I'm not trying to be all like "poor me, feel bad for me" here, I'm just sorting through my thoughts. It makes me angry, all those damn psychiatrists over the years, they just let me go on, saying things like "Well, she'll grow out of it, don't worry", year after year, my depression, my excessive talk of dieting and fat at age 7. Ya, I grew out of it. When will it all end. I can't deal with life.
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