Date: 2001-04-29 Time: 8:55 p.m. My current mood is: things you gotta think of before you kill yourself Hey I have an idea, why don't I write an entry about how everything sucks. Oh wait, I do that every entry. I'm just filled with humerous sarcasm tonight, aren't I. I'm, again, not in a good mood. Goddamnit, my fucking connection is screwy tonight, I think I'll have to log off then log back in, stupid Yahoo. Well anyway. My dad and sister were bitching at me again today, as they usually do. I hate that, it makes me feel like I'm the biggest freak/loser, cause they give me this "what is wrong with you" attitude. I'm a fucking retard ok, sorry. My dad is always flipping out about me being messy and shit. WHO CARES! I swear my dad has OCD. He's saying how from now on, after I use a dish don't even just put it in the sink, I have to wash it and put it in the dishwasher, picky picky! I don't mean to make a mess, I just don't remember to clean up stuff. Of course he treats me like an idiot, saying no I don't forget how could I, blah blah. Like if I forget I must be a retard or something, that's pretty much the attitude he gives. Like hello I have ADD, I don't mean to do stuff like that but that is one of the symptoms, it's just really hard for me to remember stuff! Thanks for treating me like a dumbass! Well, needless to say, I cut myself, cause frankly, I couldn't really think of any reason not to. That's the thing, it's like I want to stop, but sometimes I just can't think of why shouldn't I? The only reason I have is that someone might see the cuts, like John or something, but besides that, why not?? It's not like I don't deserve it. I don't feel like trying to stop anymore, for now at least. God, all I did today was lie around and do nothing. I guess it's easier to just pull the blankets over my head and pretend to sleep, rather then have to trudge through life. There's always shit that I need to get done, but instead I lie in bed all day, with my eyes closed, hoping to just fall asleep and never wake up. I just hide from the world. I wish I didn't, I waste so much time. I just get so overwhelmed though. I desperately want to hang out with John, I'm trying to remember the last time I hung out with him....hmmmm. I can't remember, sometime early last week I think? Oh ya, Tuesday. I want to be in his arms, just lie in bed with him ::sigh:: I don't really know what else to say. I can't really explain in words how I feel, words seem so...I dunno, like they don't have enough depth to describe the sadness within. I was thinking earlier, more like pictureing, if I slit my wrists, holding them under running water of the sink, I was wondering what would it feel like to have warm water vs. cold water washing the blood....would the warm hurt less or more? I'm so morbid. I don't even just think "What if I kill myself?", I think shit like what temperature would the water be that is washing the blood, if I jumped off a building, would I black out midway, and if so at what point, more near the begining or more towards the end of the fall, and would I scream? I don't think I would, I'm not a screaming type of person, but you never know. Kind of like that Bjork song, Hyperballad, where she is imagining jumping off a rocky cliff: "I imagine what my body would sound like Slamming against those rocks And when it lands Will my eyes Be closed or open?" Or like if I shot myself in the head, which way would I do it, in the mouth? from the side? Would I have to angle it? It's the technicalities that count ;) Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: