Date: Dec. 09, 2003
Time: 1:48 AM
My current mood is:
Self hatred
*sigh* what's wrong with me? I have 2 papers due, and tomorrow a third is due. Have I done them? Well I've done 2/3 of one. How am I going to get this all done? It's not like I didn't have time. But even with the time I had, it just seemed so much at once... paralyzed. Just the thought of doing it sends me to doing other things to avoid. Just thinking about the papers, my anxiety level shoots up and I must distract myself, must get away. This happens every year, every midterm every final. I feel like I'm falling down a slide, desperatly trying to slow myself down cause I'm not ready to hit the bottom. My problem is that I can't help but see only the big picture. I can only see 3 term papers due, all at once. I cannot see myself doing one page at a time. I hope hope hope I don't have school tomorrow again, yesterday I didn't from the snow. Some schools are closed tomorrow, I won't find out till tomorrow morning probably. Tonight I even b/p'd instead of doing my paper, feeling crappy that I'm going to fail everything, just needed to clear my head. For a second I thought, so what if I just ignore it all and fail? What if that happens and I just leave home and move in with Jon in some little apartment and live my life? But what would I do? Work at McDonalds or some shit job? Can't do that. I have to graduate, I have only next year and that's it! How can I give up now?? What's wrong with me? Sometimes I hate myself so much.
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