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Date: Mar. 12, 2003
Time: 11:47 AM My current mood is:
A fight I asked if he thought I've been less emotional lately, and he said yes. He said for the past couple weeks I've been distant. I'm wondering if this has to do with me relapsing, because over the past few weeks is when I've really been keeping barely anything down. It seems like the further into my eating disorder I get, the less I can feel. I am numb. Not completely, but much more so then when I was in recovery. All my feelings have deadened, both good and bad. It reminds me of a story Jon told me, about a man with gloves. Actually here's the quote, it's from The World According to Garp: "He can do wonders when he's wearing his magic gloves. If his wife is sad, he touches her with his gloves, she's happy. If his children are crying, he touches them, and they smile. But he can't feel them! He yearns to feel. He can even hold off death with his magic gloves, but he can't feel life. So, he takes off the gloves, and he dies. But, he finally feels life as he's flying into the arms of death." I'm losing my feelings. But that's what I wanted right? I hate feeling right? But you cannot get rid of the bad without also getting rid of the good. In order to feel, you must feel anger along with happiness, caring along with hurt. When I was eating normal I was angry all the time. I'm not angry anymore. But I'm not really anything anymore. Anyway, so he's coming up here this weekend and we agreed to have A Talk. Neither one of us wants to break up, so hopefully we can come to some sort of conclusion. Today I'm 107 pounds. I've lost 8lbs so far, still got more to go. It's not that I'm dissatisfied with my body, I think I look relatively normal. I can't explain it. |
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