Date: Sept. 07, 2002 Time: 1:40 PM My current mood is: The Story of My ED Part 2: Lost After successfully accomplishing a horrific GPA of 0.0 for the second semester, I return home. My life was slowely falling apart, or perhaps quickly. Besides my mothers illness which was rapidly taking her over, other things that were upseting me were I was in a relationship at the time with a guy Charlie which was going sour during which he became even more manipulative/yelling at me/blaming me for random things more then he already used to, had got into a fight/stopped talking to a very good friend at the time, and also got into fight with another Julie which lasted for 6 months. During this time I started working at my current job, the pet store. Having dropped out of school, I was working full time. Sometimes I forgot my money for my lunch break, so I didn't eat. I slowely began realizing how much I liked the feeling of not eating for 8 hours straight. I didn't know why, I just knew it felt good, even though when I got home from work I ended up eating a lot(the body naturally tries to even itself out). It kind of pissed me off, though I didn't even know of the term "binge", I just knew I ate too much after skipping a meal. I continued doing this sort of half-assed, I wanted to lose a few pounds but didn't count calories and didn't really put too much thought into it, and didn't end up losing any. Infact I wasn't even secretive about it, I was fairly open with the fact that I didn't eat on my breaks at work, I didn't know there was something wrong with that. Then one night I decided to take acid(as I had times before). You know, LSD, the drug. As I tripped, my mind reeling into craziness, I suddenly became "aware" of something. I realized that I didn't need food! Ever! I had accidentally gone the whole day without eating, and when I realized this at night, in my fucked up state I realized that I now never had to eat again. I could totally survive on nothing, food was just an option. I laughed and babbled about this to Charlie as we sat in the car, refusing the food he offered. The next day, I don't think I ate anything. After that I realized just how goddamn hungry I was, and ate a bowl of cereal, and then resumed my no-food regime till the next day, though I slowely started adding a bit more so it was a bowl cereal in the morning and bowl of salad at night, though I think I eventually added more because you just can't live on that for very long. I lost 10 pounds and my hipbones started to stick out. Oddly enough, I wasn't too enthrawled. I actually felt I was a bit too thin, and besides it hurt when I would continiually bang things against my hip bones! But not eating subconciously distracted my thoughts, I didn't have to think about my mom going through chemo, how she had lost her hair, or how she could no longer speak above a whisper and had to use a laptop to communicate, or how Charlie would scream at me for random things and then blame me for "letting him" yell at me. I was going out with Jim now(cheating on Charlie with Jim, was seeing them both), and became a bit upset that Jim hadn't even noticed my weight loss. I didn't say anything though. At the time I also just gotten my snake J.D., and another snake. One day I was complaining to Julie and Dave(who at the time was a manager at my work) about how the other snake wouldn't eat. Dave, being the dick that he is, said "I guess it's anorexic just like it's owner!". I was so embarrised that he said that infront of people, the fact that he had said it at ALL! Anorexic? Me? I just don't want to eat... Around this time I got very sick with a bad case of strep throat, and since I was eating very little I kept recatching it from my self for about 2 months(I think?). I suddenly realized that if I didn't start eating, I would never get rid of it, so I started eating again and voila, I got better. I told Charlie about how I was trying to eat more, so he vowed to help "fatten me up". I was amused at how it was actually physically hard for me to eat normal, I'd eat one meal and be full for the rest of the day! But I eventually started eating again. Like I said before, click the Next Entry link to go on...and just so I don't have to type it again, keep clicking it after each one. Duh. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: