Date: Jul. 14, 2002 Time: 3:31 AM My current mood is: I'm cracking up, going crazy, I'm insaaaaaaaaaaane! Everything is breaking down. I am slowely becoming unable to handle normal daily life. No, I don't mean just the past couple days, it's been a gradual thing. I don't even know what to say, can't even truely express how I feel in words. What's left for me? Anything? I work part time(well almost fulltime, they're just tight on hours), and I can barely handle that. That's fucking pathetic. I call in sick/go home sick constantly(or what I consider constantly), not to go hang out with people, but because I just can't. I never hangout with anyone, when people call me it feels forced to talk to them. I don't dislike my friends, I just....I don't know. I just don't know what to say anymore. Going out for me is like a huge thing, even to go to someone's house to just hang out. I sleep all day, all night I am on the computer/reading/watching tv/whatever else. And always throwing up during those activities. It's really bothering me the fact that since the blood thing happened, I wanted to stop throwing up because I know that's really STUPID to do, especially while I'm having this internal bleeding! The thing is, I can't stop. I keep doing! I try and try, knowing that's fucked up to throw up while I'm bleeding inside, and I just keep doing it anyway. Today I actually did ate lots of food and kept it down though. I only threw up once. Still, I feel like I'm at wits end. This week has just been horrible for me, and I feel like completely awful. For so long I've been able to perfect the illusion of normalcy projected to people. I've been able to keep a plastic smile on my face, sure I never did well in school, but it was cause I didn't care about grades, right? Sure I'm in therapy, but that's just for my Attention Deficit Disorder(according to my dad). I feel like I'm always on a stage, giving a performance, and suddenly I've forgotten my lines, trying horribly to cover that up, the dancers are coming out at the wrong time, stage sets falling over....that would be a sucky play if you think about it, lol. What I'm trying to say is, basicly my life is malfunctioning. Everything around me is falling to pieces. And I still can't tell anyone, I still am trying to put the pieces back together one by one as more and more fall down, raining on me. I don't know what to do, someone please tell me?? How can I get any sort of treatment without my dad finding out, I can't tell him, I'd rather die(which may happen anyway). I just want to fucking cry. People say to just tell my dad so I can get treatment, that my health is more important then my job or school, but really it's not. I guess it's my pride mainly too. I can't just go into the hospital like my docter was saying, I mean....I don't know. Does anyone understand? I just keep thinking I'm not that bad, really, it's not that big of a deal, why is everyone making it a big deal???? Why am I making this a big deal??? I'M FINE. See, I ate today, lots of junk food too, so I don't need a hospital, right? I'm ok. I keep having thoughts of cutting myself and killing myself. Shouldn't cut though, don't want to give the docter even more incentive to hospitalize me. I didn't end up going to that meeting thing by the way, Tammy wasn't answering the phone(it got locked in her sister's room) and then I was too tired to go on my own since I didn't sleep all night. But that place also has group therapy meetings each week(that one I was going to go to was just like an inspirational once a month thing), but first I would need to get an assesment done(I think that's kinda bullshit, it costs $50, they're just doing that to get your money), then you can go to the meetings. I feel like I should go all out and lose as much weight as possible and completely make myself malnurished. Just say fuck it and go for broke, you know? I purposely maintain my weight at this level, meaning if I wanted to I could lose weight fairly quickly. I figure maintaining at a BMI in the mid-17's(anorexic BMI is 17.5, so I am right on the line) is sort of... like I'm able to still maintain my illusion, you know? I am underweight, but I'm not emanciated so it's not overly obvious. I'm hoping the docter does not consider 15% underweight to be the limit for me going to the hospital, he said my weight is very very close to hospitalizing and with my clothes I weighed 97lbs.(95lbs for me is 15% underweight). I mean that would be pretty lame if that's what he meant. Ok MY GOD all I do is ramble on about my weight! I annoy even myself with it. "Born to be down I've learned all my lessons before now Born to be down I think you'll get used to it And you just don't get it you keep it copacetic And you learn to accept it You know it's so pathetic Born to be down I think that I've said this before now Born to be down What good is confidence? And you just don't get it you keep it copacetic And you learn to accept it You know it's so pathetic and you don't"- Bound for the Floor by Local H Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: