Date: May. 22, 2002
Time: 8:55 PM
My current mood is:
Trapped within myself
I feel like shit. Not from a virus, but from a combination of things, namely having only had 3-4 hours of sleep, only kept down..hmmm...I'd say almost 400 calories?, purging, dehydration. Not that the 400 calories is an unusual accomplishment, it's just I can't remember that last time I actually kept down a normal sized meal. Weeks? I've had maybe 4oz of water to drink today. I've been so dehydrated lately it sucks, my pee is very small amounts and so yellow that it's praticly orange. Why don't I just drink something you ask? *shrug* For reasons unknown, I not only restrict my food but water too sometimes. I don't know why, it has nothing to do with thinking I will gain weight from it obviously. I guess I like hurting myself. Self destruction plays a core part in my life at all times. Lately all I want is to have a nice meal. Is that too much to ask? For me it is, because it's something I'm unable to do. When I try to accomplish this simple task, I make myself purge. It's inevitable. If someone were to say "Just don't purge this time", I would look at them in confusion, because eating a meal means you purge after, isn't that how it's supposed to go? Unless it is a small amount, in which case I will still feel guilty for consuming it. I'm still fighting with myself over the debate on whether or not my eating cereal earlier was a binge, eating it out of the box, all I had today was that and an orange. Well, I mean I also binged and purged once but I don't know if that counts since it is no longer in me. Weak, dizzy, dehydrated, yet I dont think I'm allowed to eat anything else for the rest of the night. According to my mind. A glass of water? No, not allowed. Ufff, need to stop that standing up stuff, makes me too dizzy. This overwhelming feeling of nausea. Trapped.
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