Date: May. 16, 2002 Time: 1:07 AM My current mood is: Jason X.......he's back, again! I just saw the movie Jason X, it was so funny! It was better then I thought it would be, though wasn't expecting much in the first place anyway. I went with Hilary and Mike, I actually HUNG OUT, so I think I'm starting to come out of my depression-hibernation thingy. I hope so, I've been sitting in my house wallowing and moping for weeks. The suicidal thoughts have been decreasing over the past few days. In the car today Hilary said asked me if I was realy dropping out of school, I said ya I guess, I mean I'm just going to fail anyway. She tried to convince me to stay in school, and I found myself saying "ya, you're right". I wanted to explain that what's the point of staying in school if I'm just going to die anyway, but figured that's one of those things I shouldn't say so I didn't. I don't know. I just don't know what I'm going to say to my dad when my grades come back. My advisor called and left a messege on my machine the other day saying that my Adolescant Psych. professer was concerned because I didn't bring the essay in to the final.....eep, I didn't even know I was supposed to bring in an essay too! Perhaps this is because I didn't go to class for weeks. I felt bad cause my advisor said that my professor said I could still hand it in, and that she felt bad cause she thought highly of me! Man....why??? Why would she think highly of me? I just don't get it. But back to the thing with my dad, I mean, how can I sit him down and explain to him the reasons I did shitty this semester? I could never do it. For me to say "Now dad, the reason that I failed everything this semester was because, well..I've been suffereing from major depression my entire life, you never realized it though, and the medication I was on during the end of the semester made me go completly insane as well as make my depression even more severe, plus the fact that I was starving myself and exercising instead of doing my homework, and having numerous difficulties dealing with the fact that you were going to get married in June to a woman who is evil." Ya.....that would go over well. Some parents would understand this. Most people would be able to say this. In my case, neither is true. Actually, the more true statement is probably that my dad would understand it. I think I would have a harder time saying this then he would have listening to it. I don't know if he can give me another chance at school, and more importantly, I don't know if I can give MYSELF another chance. I fucked up at school. Again. I don't know if I can forgive myself. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: