Date: May. 14, 2002 Time: 11:54 PM My current mood is: Shut the fuck up you cunt! So my aunt called and bitched me out about not calling to wish her a happy mothers day. You know, even though she's NOT MY MOTHER, and she DOESN'T EVEN HAVE KIDS! I was so angry, I seriously almost threw the phone into the mirror, I wanted to break something so much!!! Instead I binged and purged. That fucking bitch, I HATE HER! How can she fucking say that, that I'm wrong for not calling her on mothers day, she's not my mother!!! She fucking WISHES! Also the thing that pisses me off is that she is SO controling about it, like the day before mothers day she was like "I'll be expecting a call from you tomorrow to wish me a happy mothers day", then today she's like "I thought I said to call me and wish me a happy mothers day, why didn't you?" God, it's like....why does she even want me to bother to, if it's her telling me to do it? She's ALWAYS like that, telling me what to do constantly. I can't even explain it, it's not like my dad who is always just giving me orders, she does it in this extremely condisending way, to embarris me. When someone gives me something, as I'm about to say thank you she'll immediatly say "Now say thank you", as if I'm 2 years old, or when I see a relative before I even get a chance she'll be like "Now go over and give them a hug and kiss, and tell them you love them". It's as if she's feeding me lines from a movie, like I'm an actor and she's the director, and she's whispering my lines to me throught the act. I wish I could convey the way she does it, but describing in mere words just doesn't cut it. You'd have to experience it, the patronizing way she says "What you did was wrong, you know that right? Right?" as if I'm some retarded 5 year old that has punched my 2 year old sister. Why did I agree to go over her house on Thursday? What's wrong with me? Of course she had to add "And give your grandfather a call tomorrow ok? Ok.". These may seem like small things to be told, but it's like... you'd have to experience it yourself, inwhich case you'd turn out psycho like me. Not saying I blame my psycho-ness on her, but she is definitly a part of it! She's always saying it's her job to teach me right and wrong, I'm fucking almost 23 years old for godsakes!!!!!! She loves it though, she LOVES being able to guilt trip, to condisend, to make someone feel less then her, that's when she feels good about herself. I just have so much built up rage against her from over the years, it's insane. One day I will go crazy and tell her to fuck off, or just like beat the shit out of her, something bad, I know it. I'm also aware that some of my rage against her is unfounded, not really her fault. This anger is the anger I feel about having an eating disorder. Inside I know I blame her, and I also know it's not her fault. I was thinking about this the other day, how I've always blamed her for it, but now I realize that it's not her fault, she didn't mean for this to happen to me. I could go on about why it is that I've blamed her for my ED, but I don't feel like getting into right now. My dad just informed me that the reason that there have been bottles of water sitting by the stairs for about 4 days now, is because he's been waiting for *me* to bring them downstairs. Wow....what the fuck? It would take 2 seconds to bring them downstairs, we have a split level house, so it's not like a ton of stairs or anything. Why does he do that? I can't stand it...he'll leave things sitting there for DAYS, because he wants me to put it away, even if it's sitting right next to the drawer it's supposed to be in. It just amazes me, I don't know if it's laziness on his part of just psychotic stubberness. Why does my dad constantly have these power struggles with me? I don't even create them, I'm not even aware of them till he points it out, he's so weird. I really feel like cutting right now. I shouldn't, I mean I already threw up 4 times today, though yet again the night is not over(will it be 5 times like yesterday?). I keep doing things to distract myself from cutting, I picked up the scissors to cut, then descided to finish making my red beaded bracelet instead(I finished it, it's so pretty!), then...what else, oh then I felt like cutting again so I finished plugging in all the stuff for my aquarium. Yes, plugging stuff in is a major project in my room, praticly every outlet has one of those bigger outlet things on it, so I can fit 50 million more plugs. I have SO many plugs in my room, one day my room's going to explode. I'm so tired and dizzy from all the recent puking. I always think of my aunt when I listen to this song by Korn(it may seem harsh, but you don't know my aunt): Korn- Kill You Living life, don't you cry. My life - pain is God. Many nights, painful thoughts occur. Love me - again I'm wrong. In denial I tried to be your friend. I tried to be a good boy. All I see, a hate deep inside. Startle me, someone save me. Now these memories Still I hide They bury me All I want to do...{you are not my real mother}, Is kill you... {so I beat and stab and fuck her}. All I want to do... {you are not my real mother}, Is kill you... {so I beat and stab and fuck her}. All I want to do... {you are not my real mother}, Is kill you... {so I beat and stab and fuck her}. All I want to do... {you are not my real mother}, Is kill you... {so I beat and stab and fuck her}. Looking back I was never ever right. You were my step mom who always wanted me out of your sight. I would come walkin' in and I'd say "Hello", but you slap me and you make some fucked up comment about my clothes. But I tried to let it pass, but the pictures in my head were with you with a knife up your ass laying dead. So I popped some more caps in your ass. Now your son is such a fuck - Mother fucking bitch never try to play me... You make my life Not so... All I want to do... Is kill you... All I want to do... Is kill you... All I want to do...{you are not my real mother}, Is kill you... {so I beat and stab and fuck her}. All I want to do... {you are not my real mother}, Is kill you... {so I beat and stab and fuck her}. Wish! You! Were dead! Now! How...I know How can I cry over someone I never loved, How can I cry over someone I never loved, Never loved....Never loved... Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: