Date: May. 11, 2002
Time: 7:23 PM
My current mood is:
Finally found out that my sister is anorexic
Weird, my sister told me that she used to be anorexic! I've always suspected, but just thought she was...I don't know, I thought that's how she naturally was. I mean looking back she had obviously all the signs of it, but she never would admit it so I could never say for sure. So now she finally has admitted it. The thing is, I don't think she's normal about food now, I don't know if she ever will be, and I don't know if I ever will be either. I really wanted to tell her about my issues with food, but it was weird, it was one of those things he just glossed over "oh cause I used to be anorexic in middle school, but anyway, blah blah blah" and changed the subject right away. Also I'd feel almost....I don't know, like she would look down on me and think "How can she starve herself? She's not thin or anything. She's just saying it for attention". I know that's what she would think. And about being bulimic....I could never say that, my sister is VERY anti eating a lot. She's very critical about overweight people, and just eating in general. She's often called me a pig, or say I eat too much with a look of disgust. Why does my whole fucking family have eating disorders? I wish I could talk to her about it more, but I doubt she'd ever want to bring it up again. Especially since, well, I don't know if she's actually still eating disordered, but she's not normal. I mean she's a size zero for christ's sakes, nobody can be a size zero without making themselves be one. She eats pretty much whatever she wants, but to this day always eats very small portions. Like a normal meal, she will eat 1/4-1/2 of. But she'll still eat steak and other fattening things and it doesn't seem to bother her, perhaps with her it's less about calories so much as not wanting to be full. I remember she used to always cut her food into certain amounts of peices, like sandwhiches had to be cut in 4 peices or other food she would cut up really tiny. I mean she basicly has every single symptom of having an ED, not as much now but I do remember when she was refering to. I don't care what she says though, she is NOT normal about food now. Speaking of food and all that crap, yesterday I made myself puke twice, fuck! Why did I do that, that was soooo stupid. Ever since I threw up from being drunk the other day I've just had this over powering urge to vomit, so I guess I just gave in. Today I tried to make myself puke but wasn't able to, I was pissed but I guess it's a good thing, I don't want to start doing it again. God it's been so hard though, all I can think of is making myself puke, cutting myself, and suicide. I just want to die and it's like, I almost see no reason not to puke or cut myself, cause why not? Who cares? What have I got to live for anyway? It's like I might as well do whatever I feel like because I'm just going to die anyway, so who gives a shit. I've been eating tons and tons and tons. Tonight I'm supposed to go to a party at Julie and Dave's apartment, I really don't feel like it though. I just want to sit at home and mope, or perhaps set up my 5 gallon fish tank. At work Frost was trying to get me to buy a Leopard Gecko lizard, it's soooo tempting, there is this beautiful fullgrown one for $80, but why bother getting that if you can get babies for $20? Either way, my room is a zoo, today I was thinking how I want to get a turtle, I love turtles....a word of advice to anyone wanting to work at a pet store: your house WILL turn into a zoo! Perhaps if for some reason I don't end up getting that Bearded Dragon from Julie, like if the babies die or something, then I'll get a Leopard Gecko instead. Ok? Ok.
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