Date: Apr. 15, 2002
Time: 3:43 PM
My current mood is:
A little self awareness
Today I slept a ton. That's one of the things about starving yourself...makes me soooo tired. I feel weird lately, I guess knowing that I've gotten "worse" with my ED. The thing is I can't help it, I just can't eat. Even when I "binge" now, it's basiclly just me eating a normal meal, on days that I binge I consume less then 1,000 calories total for that day. Sometimes I stay up at night, planning if I had the kitchen soley to myself, which foods would I keep in it, and where exactly would I put them. I could probably even make a huge entry about it, lol. I know people probably think I'm just being an idiot. The truth is I can't help it. When I see food now, I don't even crave it, I am literally afraid of it. When I went to that party on Saturday night, I saw the plates of brownies and chips, etc., and it just freaked the shit out of me. I ended up eating a small turkey sub last night, and got the worst stomach ache ever, guess I'm not used to such big meals. Sometimes I'm aware that I'm killing myself, other times I'm not. It's not even as much of a weight issue as one would think. I almost wish I would stop losing weight, just stick at the weight I'm at now so I could go on starving myself in peace, instead of people making comments to me all the time about it. I feel insanely gluttonous right now, cause yesterday I had probably almost 800 calories...well maybe it was closer to 700, who knows, and then today...well not quite sure but I did eat a small piece of carrot cake which I'm sure added a lot. I'm like babbling about nothing. By the way I want to thank everyone who recently signed my guestbook, it really brightens my day! And to answer the question does my family know about my ED...I don't really know. I don't think so. Awhile back, actually about the time I first started this diary, I had lost 30lbs in like 2 months, my dad kind of noticed, only cause other people commented about it infront of him. He's yelled at me before about not eating enough, but he's pretty much clueless.
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