Date: Jul. 15, 2003
Time: 10:48 PM
My current mood is:
Frozen
Thoughts like syrup in my mind, equally slow coming through to my hand. All day it hung around my neck, depression. I went to Jon's house because we had previous plans to watch Terminator 2, I hoped he would brighten my mood as he often does. It didn't work. "Have you been going to the gym lately?" he asked. "What's that supposed to mean?" I asked. He answered "I can't answer that, it's a loaded question. I don't know how to answer.". "Why'd you ask?" I asked. He said "Well, you seem less toned. Your ass isn't as firm. It's like in that VH1 80's thing, about the jeans that made girls look like they had a long ass, haha!". Horror seized my brain. The familier terrorizing thoughts shouting YOU MUST LOSE WEIGHT! YOU'RE FAT! YOU MUST STARVE! We watched the movie. I sank deeper and deeper into depression, until I was so far deep that I could barely move or talk when Jon tried to get me to. The familier near catatonic state I hadn't felt since high school days. He tried holding my hand, I couldn't seem to move my fingers/hand to do it. I gave short sparse answers to his questions, or just stared ahead unable to speak. He put my arms around him. I ended up leaving. Walking seemed awkward and clumsy. I worried that I had catatonic schizophrenia. But I don't see hallucinations, so I don't think so. I ate and puked twice today. I MUST start working out. I have so much body fat, it needs to be GONE! I had a paper due 2 days ago but was to apathetic due to depression to bother. I fucking suck. But how can I try to do well in school knowing that one day I will have to kill myself? This can't go on forever.
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