Date: Feb. 28, 2003
Time: 10:08 AM
My current mood is:
Getting bad
I just weighed myself and I lost another pound, that makes 2lbs total. And who ever said you can't lose weight with bulimia? I binged/purged 4 times yesterday. Yes, I know I know, I'm being stupid. I'm not even doing it to lose weight, I mean really I'm fairly ok with my body right now, obviously not totally ok but actually more comfortable with it then before. I think it helped a lot finally buying some bras/pants that fit properly, i was just torturing myself by wearing things that were too small and feeling like a giant beast. So then why am I throwing up? I can't really explain, just this fear of keeping down food has come over me. I eat dinner and suddenly I just *can't* keep it down, I HAVE to purge it. I start freaking out inside. I've started binging more, at first I was purging normal meals. Part of what sucks too is knowing that keeping down a real meal wouldn't just suck psychologically, I know physically my stomach won't be able to handle it well. Four times yesterday....what's wrong with me?? I find myself turning to it to relieve stress. My dad will yell at me, and I'll immediatly go eat and throw up. Well today I will call that hospital place, I'm scared to talk to them! And I'm scared to eat anything. Maybe I just shouldn't eat anything at all today. *sigh* Maybe I'll try some fruit later.Jon is coming here this weekend so I won't be updating for a few days, yay! It's so weird, seeing so much of him for a few days then going weeks without seeing him, it makes it hard to...I don't know, I guess to deal with? Sometimes I find myself a little angry at him cause he doesn't live here, why does he have to live so far away?? Next weekend I'm going to visit him, I hope I make it without getting lost a hundred times, it's a 4 hour drive! Now what do I do though....he knows about my purging, that I've started up again, and he's staying at my house this weekend. Do I secretly purge when he's there even though he would know? Do I restrict? Try to eat normal? I mean he does know I am so...I don't know??
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