Date: Jun. 09, 2002
Time: 6:22 AM
My current mood is:
Why am I awake? I don't know.
Fuck, what was I going to talk about? Oh, I think makeup, lol. Today I put on a bunch of makeup, and stared at myself in the mirror in awe. I mean I've worn this stuff before, but damn, I was just surprised at how healthy I can make myself look. It's so...I don't know, I just haven't seen myself look like that in so long, it was like looking at a different person! It made me think though, is it right for me to do that? To make it so I look healthy? Isn't that just a lie? I feel like a lie when I wear makeup. Not all makeup, just makeup that makes me look healthy. I feel like I'm sending a false messege to people, "Yes, I can be this weight and be perfectly fine, I obviously am one of those Lucky People with a high metabolism". And it makes me feel like shit to think that. I know what I do doesn't really affect anyone else, but just the concept of it in general. What if some girl looks at me and feels bad about herself? I feel like I have an obligation to just look the way I look...pale, large dark undereye circles. Sometimes I pass by the mirror and scare myself. I feel like that is reality, why should I try to distort it? Why should I try to make it seem not the way it is? But then there's the other side of me that says I should be able to look good too. Nobody compliments me on my looks anymore. Nobody tells me I have pretty eyes. Today someone did, I was wearing my "I'm in perfect health" makeup though. I guess I kind of miss that, I'm sick of being ignored. I've turned into the ugly friend....not that I think I'm particularily attractive anyway, but I don't know. I felt like a clown though when I looked in the mirror. Such an eerie feeling, knowing you can't touch your face throughout the day, or else your face will fucking come OFF. I don't know. Maybe I'm just not used to wearing makeup. I just kinda felt freaked out by it the past couple days that I've been wearing it. I feel kind of like a corpse that they spray paint the makeup on so that they look like they did when they were alive. Hey maybe I'll take a before and after picture of me and post it on here.Today this girl Jen at my work told me she used to have "eating problems" as she refered to it. I just froze and was silent. Evil Eric was standing right there too, so even if I wanted to say something I couldn't. Nothing else really has been going on. I really need to go fill my perscription for...fuck...I forget the name, the new mood stabilizer I'm going on. Begins with a T. This past night(now it's the morning, haven't gone to sleep yet) I went to Julie's sisters house, where people go every Saturday night to drink/party. Blah blah blah. I just realized it's Sunday. I'm working at 1pm, which means I can't go to sleep, oh well. I've been eating NONSTOP!!! Though I haven't puked much lately, which is good.
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