Date: May. 18, 2002 Time: 7:47 AM My current mood is: Oh Christopher, please don't :( What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Once again it's 7:30am, and I haven't actually gone to sleep yet. I hate when this happens. Yesterday was weird, I was actually CONTENT! YES! I actually felt good. And then at work when it was time for close, I heard someone say we were closing now, my first reaction was to think "Aww, so soon?" SERIOUSLY!! I wanted to stay at work longer, I was enjoying it! Now how many people can say that, huh? It was a very busy day too, for some reason I was just in a good mood all day. Eeeek....except for that I missed my therapy appointment, I slept through it! Damnit, that's what I get for purging, always makes me sleep sooooo much I can't stand it. And now that I restricted all yesterday, now I haven't slept this past night. When I starve, no sleep, when I binge and purge, too much sleep...can't there be a compromise???? Oh ya, eating normal...oh well too bad. I'm really glad that I've come out of that horribly deep depression though. No more purging! The other day Katie and I went to my grandfather and aunt's house. It was weird, cause half way through the visit my grandfather was like "Have you lost weight? You're too skinny!" and my aunt agreed, I was in shock, normally they think you can never be too thin, what's going on??? I just laughed it off, then as I was leaving I hugged my grandfather and he said "You're all bones!!!", what is he talking about? Duh, I've under 100lbs for most of the past few years, and suddenly now he notices? Did I lose weight? I felt guilty cause I threw up in my grandfather's bathroom, couldn't keep down the dinner he fed me. Katie just played around with her salad, swishing her fork around the lettuce. When they asked if she wanted more she said no she already ate dinner before she left her house. I knew it was a lie. And she probably knew my eating the whole dinner was a lie, that I threw it up. I was just talking to Christopher earlier, and I am soooooo worried about him! He's always commented how he thinks he has a fat stomach, and needs to lose weight, but tonight we were talking online and oh man, he was REALLY SERIOUS. It made me so upset the way he was talking, he was saying how he's so fat that he needs to be underweight, and how he wishes he could get liposuction, and he was serious! Now, I've seen Christopher NAKED, so I know for a FACT that he's not fat at all! He's thin! Seriously, not like underweight thin, but normal thin. And he's hot, he's got a great body, yet lately he really thinks he needs to lose weight. It's because of his school, he might get kicked out cause he's not doing well enough. So now suddenly he keeps saying he's not good enough, saying he needs to lose weight to be "Better", and that's what worries me, the fact that it seems to be tied to other issues. I mean it's one thing for someone to be overweight and say I need to lose weight, it's another to have something stressful going on in your life and suddenly start really needing to lose weight, because that's how an eating disorder begins. I should know! I was so upset when we were talking, I really wanted to tell him about me, my issues with food, so that I could steer him away from that path. But I was too chicken. I don't know, I think if he starts talking like that again I might tell him, because as much as barely anyone knows about my food-stuff, if it could save him from being like this then I have to do it. He scares me cause he said that he's the thinnest he's been, and he wants to lose more weight. He kept compairing himself to some guy at the goth club, saying he wishes he could be thin like that, I was like oh my god, it's like everything he was saying could have come out of MY MOUTH!!! And that's NOT a good thing! I'm hanging out with him on Sunday, I really really hope he doesn't start talking like that again, I'm so worried. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: