Date: Apr. 06, 2002 Time: 4:37 PM My current mood is: Since Thursday...... Alright well I haven't updated much cause I was in a fight with diaryland. That's right, I wasn't speaking with my diary, it was pissing me off. I don't think I know anyone else who gets into fights with inanimate objects. Well I am typing this first in notepad, screw you diary! Ha! So anyway, lets see....my last real entry I was nervous about going to my grandfather/aunt's house. Well my sister and I went, and she ended up storming out after an hour, so it was a fairly short visit. I asked my grandfather why is he saying to everyone that I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, he just responded with lame answers like "Well I care about you, I worry about you", but no real answer to why is he making shit up. I was like well can you not say lies though? The conversation didn't really go anywhere though, as usual. I swear, if I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown it's because of them, not my dad! I feel like I'm the child in the middle of a messy divorce between parents. My father still hasn't confronted them yet about spreading rumors and lies about him, once he does the shit will hit the fan though. Both want me to be on their side. I don't want to be on anyone's side, I just don't even want to be involved. Last night I had a dream, I was sitting in my kitchen and my father, Donna, and my mom were there. In the dream my dad was still getting married to Donna, but my mom was still alive so it was weird, cause she still lived here too. I was confused cause I knew something was wrong and I realized my mom would have to move out cause they were getting married. Then my dad popped in this tape into a tv, it was this "So you're parent is getting remarried" lame instructional tape. I was like oh my god I can't believe my dad is making me watch this shit. He popped it in and immediatly left the room, and leaving me thinking how instead of making me watch this lame tape maybe he could just talk to me about his getting remarried instead. I guess that's a pretty meaningful dream. I also had a dream that I kissed Marilyn Manson, hey they can't all be deep philisophical dreams now can they, lol. Oh back to the other day with my grandfather and aunt. My sister flipped out(gee how unusual) and said "Will you stop talking about my dad and Donna already? It's getting really annoying! That's all you talk about!" And the thing is, even after she said that they STILL talked about it, like they just couldn't stop. After that visit, I realized something. I realized that lately something has happened to me, I guess I have lost my spunk, my arguementitiveness. When I was younger I always gave my family a piece of my mind, and always got yelled at for "not showing respect"(ie. not allowing people to put me down/expressing how I feel). As I watched my sister get up and say she's leaving, she refuses to listen to that shit, I realized that I can no longer do that. Why? When did I lose that part of myself? When did I stop talking back, when did I finally start listening and become quiet and agreeable? When did I lose my strong willed convictions? It's upsetting to me. When my sister says "go on, tell him how you feel" and I sit there, lost for words. When did I become so objective that I no longer have feelings or opinions on anything? I feel like I sit up on a branch, watch everyone else, or like I am watching tv. I used to fight. Now I can't. This is getting depressing, maybe I should change the subject. Later on tonight I am actually hanging out with Christopher, I haven't hung out with him in weeks! Like literally a month. We're going to the Metalfest, lots of death metal bands, yay! Last night I hung out with Julie, Dave, Katie and Jim. I laughed my ass off all night, I was actually in a good mood! Jim seemed quiet and withdrawn, I hate when he's like that, it makes me nervous, like I have to entertain him. Oh well, I think he was just tired. Katie wrote me an email the other day, saying how I was really her best friend, and how grateful she is that I am....it was so nice! I'm always so surprised when people say things like that, nice things for no reason. Katie is so sweet! Lets see what else. My shoulder is still functioning, I'm soooo happy I can move my arm!!! Seriously, you don't realize how lucky you are till you can't move one of your arms. Driving with only one arm is difficult, especially when you're trying to smoke too. I'm wondering if I should just stop going to physical therapy, after that horrible incident I really dont want to go back. He totally fucked my arm up, made it 10 times worse then when I started. Granted all of my next appointments are not with him, but I really don't know if I want to continue. As far as my love life, or lack thereof, I'm begining to think I will never find someone, cause....I don't know, I just don't like anyone! Maybe I'm too picky. No, I just know what I want! And what I want is NOT anyone in the entire New England radius, they are all lame. Well actaully there is one person that...well...I don't know. I've been emailing back and forth with this guy Matt that is friends with Jim. I haven't hung out with Matt in soooooo long, not since me and Jim used to hang out all the time, which was what, at least a year ago? Maybe I saw Matt like 2 years ago, I forget. Well he was always the friend of Jim's that I had a crush on, I mean nothing ever came of it cause me and Jim went out, but I did always kind of think Matt was cute and was really cool. So I was really surprised when suddenly he emailed me out of the blue, and we started talking. So I dunno what will happen with that, I feel bad still even thinking about having something with him because of Jim, but Jim and I broke up 2 years ago so why should I? It would be weird though. Who knows, we'll see what happens. Ok that's all for now. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: