Date: Mar. 05, 2002 Time: 4:36 PM My current mood is: I know I shouldn't of done this... ...but I did. I broke into my dad's email account. Yes, I'm so nosy. It took me 2 seconds to figure out his password. I know this is bad, but whatever I am nosy. I guess I just wanted to read his emails with Donna. And I learned a few things. The most current email is Donna saying how she wants them to get a new house. I thought they were just going to live here, but I guess she's saying she doesn't want to, it's not "astheticly pleasing", the old memories of my mom, and because she won't feel like it's her home too. She also said how she doesn't want me and my sister living here, how her kids are moved out and she doesn't want to have to deal with us and stuff. Also she said she doesn't want to use her and my dad's money to spend on us, that if we need money we can use our trust fund we got from our mom. What does she think I'm going to be asking her for money or something? The only things I don't pay for is car insurence and therapy sessions, which had I the money I WOULD. Anyway, back to what she had to say...actually that was the main gist of the letter. So there, I'm not just being paranoid, they DO want me out. I'm 22 years old anyway though, I should move out. Hmmm.... don't really know what to say. I doubt I will be able to afford rent while going to school, so I guess that is out of the picture, I wanted to take a break anyway. After reading all their letters, I feel weird now. I feel like an extra in a movie, if that makes sense. He mentioned in some of them that I'm a slob, I feel so horrible for that, cause I am a slob. It's true. I leave my shit everywhere, my dad constantly yells at me about it. Why am I like that? Each room of the house should have no memory of my being there. They should be spotless, not a trace of me left behind, if to silently whisper my name in the form of a question("who? she lives here?"). I'm not saying this so people will tell me that's not true, that is how it should be. Dishes left out, my bookbag and coat strewn about, right now I have my cds on the computer desk along with a bunch of other stuff. This morning I managed to choke down a bowl of cereal, but I can't eat anything else today. I've felt sick all day, a mix between my body saying "Alright can you go a friggin day without alcohol already??" and because yesterday I ate normal. It's weird, I am surprised at how quickly my stomach has gone back to not being good at digesting normal amounts of food. I mean geez, I just started dieting again recently. Especially after reading all my dad's emails I can't eat. I don't know why, I mean that is childish to not want to eat after reading stuff like that, very illogical. I like for everything about me to be logical, and when it's not I aggrivate myself. Today in class I was staring into nothing daydreaming about slitting my wrists, when the teacher said "Today we will be discussing suicide", what a coincidence, hehe. She was talking about the signs and symptoms to look for, and inside I wondered if I matched the symptoms well enough, I mean am I "good enough" at being suicidal? Does that even make sense? I'm not actually suicidal in the way that I'm planning on killing myself, at least not anytime soon. But I do think about killing myself praticly on a daily basis. What is that concidered? I'm not sure really. She said that often people who are suicidal will have a hollow, haunted look in their eyes. Do I have that? I don't think I do. Although her saying that reminded me of when I was younger, and people would refer to me as having a "poker face" or a "stone face". I guess when I was young I never smiled much, on the outside I was emotionally flat. One thing that pissed me off, was that during class this girl was like "I think suicide is SELFISH". Bitch, that is not true. Yes, it hurts others, but someone who kills themself is in very real emotional pain, something YOU would probably never understand! Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: